Blue Skies Within

Into the light ... I see it off in the distance

2009-12-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

Last week I did a few days mostly simple raw. I didn't want to go into full detox mode -- a little difficult with the kids nipping at the heels -- but it just felt right. So right, in fact, that I thought, "Wow! I've forgotten how good it feels to feel alive and totally vibrant like this!" I had loads of energy all day long both days and was immediately lifted out of a horrible mental funk I was in. Very powerful.

I'm now quite a ways out from my previous attempts at this lifestyle, which became quite psychologically burdensome for me those couple years ago. But now I'm in a different mental place. Truthfully, it's only incidentally about the food; more so right now it's about wanting full mental clarity, not wanting to be controled by anything, wanting final freedom to live a vibrant and energetic life.

So today is Day One all over again. I'm looking forward to the journey ...

Well that worked!

2008-04-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

Not! (Okay, maybe for a day or so.)

Alright my friends, I'm going offline for awhile. It's clear to me that this blog is no longer serving me, at least at the present moment. I thought about deleting it, but I still have hope that I'll be able to get back on track here one of these days, and in that case I want a record of how difficult it's been for me. I can't be the only person out there that finds this whole thing exasperatingly and horrifically impossible.

I need to give myself some space. Check back every month or so maybe if you're interested.

Feel free to post a comment if you like, or if you ever want to check in.

Thanks, everyone!

Stacy

A New Plan

2008-04-01T07:17:00.000-07:00

In case you're wondering, I didn't last the full 10-days, but I did fast (besides the honey thing) for four days. I felt pretty good with that clean-out. I don't really like fasting, while I'm doing it anyway, but I recognize the benefits of it, and it's really easy on one level: There are no decisions about food.

In that way it's easier for me to fast than it is to eat a raw food diet. I guess that's where I'm crazier than your average bear. Pondering thus, I've decided that it's really all the choice and decision-making that screws me up royally on this whole transition, and I need to get my head out of the picture. Because as soon as I have to decide, in a crazed, detoxy state of mind, what to eat, well, quite frankly, I always choose something, eventually, that slows that process and eventually knocks me right out of it.

So I have come up with a radical new plan. Starting today, THIS is what I'm eating for the next 30 days:

Bananas
Strawberries
Oranges
Lettuce
Celery

Thought of making it just bananas and lettuce, but feared I would definitely rebel against that plan, so added a few more things just to have some variety.

For all you out there who are not at all into this "crazy" raw food thing, who only read this because you're somehow related to me or know me, I'm not suggesting that this is necessarily a balanced diet to eat for life. (Not suggesting it's not either though; I haven't really examined it on that level.) My theory is this: If it's possible to fast for days and days, a restricted diet for 30 days is no big deal. And, quite frankly, I think it's what I need.

I'm sick of deciding what to eat, and having that decision take up all the thinking energy of my days. If you don't know what I'm talking about in that department, you're just not crazy like me I guess. But I recognize that I've got better things to do than think about what to eat. So I'm not gonna think about it anymore. Plus, I can get cut-stem bananas at Berkeley Bowl for $.59/lb, and can even find them in bargain produce occasionally for $.29/bag, so maybe I'll save some money to boot.

I had a dream the other night that seemed to come from the ether: I was shopping and shopping and shopping for bananas. Went into like three grocery stores and there was not a banana to be had anywhere. Well, one store had like three. I awoke and thought, my body must be screaming for bananas.

Fasting is Annoying

2008-03-25T07:37:00.000-07:00

Sunday wasn't perfect. I was reminded pretty immediately how awful the whole cleansing experience is. Cravings all afternoon. I slipped and slid.

But I found out that day that my neighbor was starting Master Cleanse on Monday (yesterday), so I decided to jump on the fasting bandwagon with her. I'm not doing Master Cleanse, but an almost-water fast. I say almost-water, because one of my coping mechanisms while fasting is to have warm water with honey occasionally (2-4x day), which really seems to help in my ability to deal with it. Purists might raise their noses, but hey.

Tried to do the saltwater flush yesterday, but failed! I couldn't do it first thing in the morning because I had to take my son to preschool, so I decided to do it at mid-day instead. I didn't bothering to think that I had just had a bunch of water to drink not too long before (half hour?). Two hours later, all I was doing was peeing like crazy. In short, it was no saltwater flush, but a saltwater toxification. I felt fine. It actually made me laugh that I could screw up a saltwater flush, but the thought makes me wretch: A full teaspoon of salt down the hatch, and God only knows where it is now. Yuck! So there's a warning to all you cleansing newbies out there: You MUST do a saltwater flush on an EMPTY stomach. (But there: I also did the experiment to see what happens if you eat a full teaspoon of salt, and for me, anyway, the answer is "Nothing," but it's not fun!)

I went to bed early last night at 8:00 and slept in a teensy bit this morning. Feeling pretty good this morning, and just downed the saltwater for the flush -- cross your fingers for me!

I'm not sure how long I'm (almost) fully fasting for; probably at least 3-4 days. I do plan to switch to juice and continue something for the full 10 days, but whether I would do a full fast for 10-days I will have to determine by how I'm feeling as I go along here.

I have to say though, fasting truly is annoying for me. The whole day consists of forgetting about it, then thinking, "I'm hungry! ... Aw, I'm fasting! ... I'm hungry! ... Aw, I'm fasting ..." ad infinitum. I'm not one of those people who feels "closer to God" when I'm fasting, at least not at this point in my life. On the contrary, I feel tightly tied to my body, like it's this masochistic thing that won't let me forget about it. But, saying that, when I fasted for 4 days in January I did gain a ton of energy and felt really healthy. I'm hoping for the same this time -- hoping it will put me on firmer footing to continue progressing -- even if I'm not enamored of the fasting process itself.

Day of Resurrection

2008-03-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Easter today and I thought I would commemorate it, in all seriousness, by rolling away my stone of apathy to get back on track. In case you haven't guessed, I've been off track for a number of reasons. Quite frankly, I haven't really wanted to post lately because I've been so despondent about this whole experience and haven't really wanted to "air my dirty laundry" for all the world to see. Plus, I haven't really fully understood some of the things I've been attempting to process.

What I have learned -- and what I now know I have to keep in the forefront of my mind -- is that this is about ME. If I start focusing on someone else and what they think of me, especially in the world of raw foods, this is a recipe for disaster that will send me on a clear course for "failure" for quite awhile. Further to this point, I have to be careful about who I'm holding up as an example, because I can only deal with positivity on this journey. I don't have the emotional strength to process negativity, even if that negativity is something along the lines of how all those "cooked food eaters of the world" "just don't get it." (Such statements irk me, and I tend to deal with being irked in negative ways.)

The truth is I'm kicking and screaming, folks. I don't really want any of this. It's very depressing. I just want to get on with my life. I don't want this illness. I don't want this diet. But guess what? I recently had to have my medication slightly raised (I'm doubling my dose one day a week now, as opposed to bumping up to the higher dose) because I've been checked out of the reality of my situation for the last 6 weeks or so. Well, not totally checked out. I still have quite a few fruit meals, but I have learned I really have to be focused on this to do the healing work, and I truly haven't been ... that's the lesson.

I have thought about closing this blog, but have decided to give myself one last chance with it. If I don't stay on track this time, I will close it so that I don't have to feel like such a miserable failure anymore.

There's my whining over with ...

My inspiration for the monumental task I'm undertaking -- that of picking myself up and moving forward -- are the following posts:

This post about Debbie on Kris Carr's fab blog: People are overcoming stuff a lot scarier than what I'm dealing with, and staying positive and learning from their trials.

Sarah's recent post on Cravings and Visualizations: On the one hand I think, "Maybe that's it, I'm just not a big enough believer." But on the other hand I'm truly inspired that she hasn't had a craving in a long time, since I can't even fathom a life without food cravings. (Wouldn't that be nice!!)

Oooh, I almost forgot to tell you. I am now studying to be a personal trainer. I plan to do my CPR training soon (a requirement for the ACSM certification) and will take the exam once I have sufficiently studied for it. There's a lot on there that I'm shaky on, but I took a 3-full-day course last weekend and was really inspired. So I guess I'm unfair to myself to say I've been up to nothing.

I have my warm cup of coffee with cream next to me right now, and then that's it: Taking the 100% plunge again. Gotta brace myself for the lovely caffeine withdrawal. Thanks for still reading. Hugs to you all!

I'll post soon, promise!

Avoiding McDonald's fries ... for now

2008-02-09T16:50:00.000-08:00

Now don't let that heading shock you, but the truth is that this is what I've been doing since about August of 2003. I have always loved McDonald's fries. Still do. But I don't eat them now. I'll eat other crap at times, but I avoid McDonald's fries on principle. After all, I live in Berkeley, California -- hippie capital of the world -- and you can't very well go around stinking like Mickey D's fries or you'll have NO friends. I mean, my friends are already pretty limited since I'm a striving fruitarian, but to go so low as to eat those greasy things? ... well, what would the neighbors think?

And that's just it -- the last time I got McDonald's fries I was freaking out at the drive-thru that someone might ACTUALLY SEE ME DOING THE UNTHINKABLE! I got those puppies, drove home, wolfed them down inside my house, then had to air out the WHOLE HOUSE because, well ... what would the neighbors think?

You see, we're very close to our neighbors, who run a very cool organic raw saurkraut company (mentioned in Juliano's RAW: The Un-Cookbook; their name at the time was Fermentations, but it's now Cultured; check out their product line here). So McDonald's fries just don't go down well in these parts.

Ever since that crazy experience, I have looked back on it in amazement, because I have not eaten those things since. I love them though. Still. But I just avoid them "for now" ... all the time. I've thought a lot about how this is a potential metaphor for how to deal with some of my other issues around food. Just avoid it "for now". This is another, albeit perhaps saner, version of "just for today".

Where I am now
I'm struggling, as always, but I have to say I've definitely progressed. My health is perhaps the best that it's been since my teens (and I'm at my high school weight of around 111, to boot). I feel stronger than I have in years, and more energetic than WAY before I got my thyroid diagnosis. This is all good.

Where I get hung up is that, yes, I could perhaps avoid cooked food "for now" ... all the time. But to do that I have to be in a head-space of constantly pushing back at everything around me, and I'm not sure that, spiritually, that's a healthy place to be for me personally. I haven't given up on it, but I seriously question it. But saying that, I still have a major illness to deal with, so I feel like I "have to" do this. But saying that, I then think, yeah, but we all die, every last one of us, and is life for making yourself into an obsessive-compulsive stress case, or is it for enjoying? So the bottom line is that I'm really ambivalent on this. I want to be happy. I don't necessarily want to be a strict raw vegan. Whether the two necessarily go hand in hand is my big question mark that I'm still exploring.

I'm also really struggling with what I perceive as the out-of-control ego and arrogance of certain people who promote themselves as long-term raw successes. I really can't abide it. I think we all -- raw vegan or McDonald's fries fiends -- have gifts in this life, and that we are all amazing souls. I don't think that anyone should be silenced or disregarded because he/she hasn't reached dietary "perfection". That's not the only kind of perfection we should be striving for.

On that note, I would like to mention that raw foods are not the be-all-and-end-all to happiness in life. I know this. A friend of mine committed suicide a few years back, and one of the reasons cited for it was that he had fallen off of his two-year raw diet. No joke. So no one can tell me that it's a panacea, because I think it can potentially create problems psychologically as well; not because of nutritional issues, that's not what I'm saying, but because of the constantly pushing back at everything around you. As for my friend ... God rest his beautiful soul ... it's not worth that. It's just not. Not that I'll ever end up necessarily in the same lonely place that he was, but I have definitely seen how the obsession with "perfection" is not necessarily conducive to health, and I want to temper my own experience with the painful remembrance of my friend.

These days I eat mostly simple raw food. My pattern is that I go a few days and then "can't stand it anymore" and do something else for a little while, and then get back "on track". I'm continuing to heal, which is the most important thing and the whole reason for any of this. This diet is Pandora's box, so I can't see turning away from the diet, but I do sometimes want to turn my back on the fanaticism and self-righteousness of it.

Not such a chipper post today. All is well, but not necessarily light-hearted. Peace to you!

PROGRESS TODAY!!!! THYROID MEDS LOWERED AGAIN!

2008-01-26T19:12:00.000-08:00

Here's the story: My pulse felt a bit fast this morning, and maybe I noticed it a bit yesterday too. Then I went to yoga today it felt even faster, and I wasn't doing anything but just puttering around the house. I finally looked into it and clocked my pulse at 128 (!!!!!!!!!) and, even after sitting down for awhile it was still like 95, which is WAY higher than I've ever had it when I was starting to go out of balance before and needed a dosage decrease. I finally decided to call the doctor office -- the answering service people, you know -- because it was starting to look a bit questionable, like do I go to the hospital or what?? The doctor was very good and called me back right away. He said he could prescribe one dose of a beta blocker (which he said would sort it out), but as I wasn't enthusiastic about that if he didn't feel it was absolutely necessary, he said I should be fine, as long as I just take it easy for today and just monitor it to make sure it doesn't get worse.

Going forward, I'm not to take my medication for 3 days, then start up again, but at the lowered dosage. He bumps it down in half-dosage increments. The highest I had it (in October, I think, when I started this lifestyle shift) was 112/100 mcg on alternating days. With this lowering I'm down to 88 mcg every day.

My goal for the end of this March is to get it down to 75 mcg every day. I'm already half way there. I may be able to exceed that expectation even. This is my biggest desire, and the reason I entered the 90-day fitness challenge I've been participating in: to reverse this "irreversible" condition. And I'm doing it. As far as I'm concerned today, if I did nothing ELSE but get off these meds, that's FINE with me. Of course I think the increased fitness contributes to the healing, not only the dietary changes. I've made huge strides in that area over the last month, and I'll blog about that soon.

I am slowing the detox for the next few days while I get the heart rate down a bit. I just plan to eat vegan for the next few days. Then mid-week, assuming I'm stabilized, I will increase my raw intake again, to continue the process.

I've not been too into being regular with this blog lately, but plan to get back on it soon. In the meantime, know that I will keep you updated on developments.

In a nutshell, I'm still struggling with staying 100% raw, but I seem to be progressing at the rate that I should be progressing at nonetheless (any faster and I would need beta blockers). So everything's working out just fine and as it should be.

From mourning to morning

2008-01-22T10:01:00.001-08:00

I have been going through some really heavy emotional stuff over the last few weeks while taking part in this F.I.T.S. 90-day Challenge. My DH and I had a big talk the other night. I was discussing my own frustration with myself about not being able to do everything "perfectly" as I want to. He said it gets annoying living with someone who's "always" down on herself. I can see and respect what he's saying, although I did have to remind him that I'm not "always" down on myself: I was really proud of myself for doing the yoga competition earlier in the month, and I'm proud of myself that my fitness level really has jumped tremendously over the past few months. I'm proud of the fact that I've lowered my medication twice. And my yoga practice is stronger now than it was when I did the competition just a few weeks ago.

But it's the diet that I struggle with so much, the finality of it, what I've always been looking for. And the more I think about it and look at it from every angle, the more I'm starting to recognize that I can't turn back, that I absolutely have to do this, and that I absolutely will do this 100% of the time, and that time can't be further than just around the corner; because when I'm not doing it 100% of the time I can TELL that I'm killing myself slowly. Anyone who is not a raw foodie who's reading this (yes, there are a few!) will probably think that's a crazy thing to say. But when you feel yourself going perpetually forward, health-wise, when eating simple raw food, and then you feel it immediately and tangibly go backwards when you don't, there just ain't no mistaking it.

So I'm in mourning, really, because I'm realizing that I have to forgo my entire culture, and that's a tough thing to do. People just don't get it, so I'll probably inadvertently have to be more distant with some people. Which isn't necessarily what I want, but if you're on two different paths, and one path tends to derail the other, what do you do?

Also, there's my love of world cultures. Food is such a huge part of all cultures, and to no longer be able to participate in this way literally makes me want to cry. I did cry the other night to Gary. The fact that it's practically an impossible thing to do, but that I KNOW that I must do it, it's almost indescribable.

And then there's also the fear that no one else is doing this around me. For my life to change so dramatically is a frightening thing. Of course I want to get better, but if you transform your life it transforms your relationships too. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but it's scary.

But then there's that quote, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you," and I believe that, and I think that's what we're doing here. I am seeing that I have to relinquish the power of the senses, because they have me in an absolute stranglehold. I don't want that habit anymore. But breaking free of it is like being thrown into a pit of fire. It's agony ... the toughest battle I've ever fought in my life. And I think for most people you don't realize how hooked you are until you try to stop.

But I'm part way up on the side of a mountain. To one side it drops out underneath me into an unspeakable abyss, and to the other side is ascends arduously and painstakingly into the heavens. Which path to take? Up or down? I don't really have a choice, now, do I?

But hopefully if I take the path to the heavens, somewhere up there the mourning will change to morning, and I'll be free.

Medication lowered again!

2008-01-11T09:58:00.001-08:00

I went to the endocrinologist yesterday and got my lab results from the blood draw I had at the end of December. I have felt my pulse slightly racing now for some time, so strongly suspected I was due for another decrease, and, sure enough, my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is still on the low side, meaning I've already got a lot of thyroid hormone in my system. The last time it was measured it was .06, and this time it was .14, whereas it should be at least .5. I'm overjoyed at these results because it does indicate that the lifestyle modifications, not just my doctor's over-dosage, are making the difference. I am now officially below a dosage that I had to have raised some six months ago. And I have been far from perfect on my lifestyle modifications too.

Also of interest was the fact that my adrenals, with the addition of the DHEA, are now way normalized. In fact, the level that is the reference range is like 8-11, and I'm now at 23! My doctor seemed a bit perplexed that the addition of DHEA could have had such a positive impact, as he had suggested it more as something to tide me over while he ordered another type of cortisol test. With those results, he is no longer saying that I'm going to have to stay on adrenal support for life. He said I might need it for six months to a year, but probably not a lifetime.

I did tell him, although not in great detail, about the changes I'm making in my diet. He seemed supportive from the standpoint of wanting to continue to measure everything regularly, as we don't know what the effects will be. I told him that I have heard of people having their thyroid medication lowered repeatedly after implementing these dietary changes.

I've been in somewhat of a bad place, food wise, lately, and have been doing a lot of work conquering my demons. These results are exactly what I needed to fully convince me. I'm starting over with renewed dedication, starting with a one-day fast today (maybe two: I'll see how it goes).

This is not an easy process, but I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to do battle with it anymore. I just want to accept it and move on, and heal, as I know I will. I know the more dedicated I am to this lifestyle, the faster I'm going to make that progress.

Focus for peace

2008-01-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

I have had a roller coaster of a last few days. My yoga competition was on Saturday, and Friday night my studio paid for me and the other participants from our studio to stay in a hotel in San Jose, which is about 50 miles away. The San Jose studio paid for everyone to go to dinner, and, as I blogged about before, I decided to go because I thought they were going to go over pertinent details of the competition. As it turned out, the only pertinent information they had for us was that the women were to compete after the men, and we should be there by 10:00 a.m.

I went into a lion's den for that!

I had brought and drank my multi-banana/lettuce smoothie in the car ride down, which is normally quite satisfying to me, but not that night. I drank the whole thing and still felt hungry (or something!). Then we get there and find out this dinner is in basically a high-class pizza joint, and, to make a long story short, I gave in.

I wasn't the only one who was incredibly bothered by this dinner though. They gave us a tiny salad, way more pizza than we could possibly eat, then desserts like cheesecake and apple pie (of which I had a bite, but didn't otherwise indulge). It was ludicrous! I mean, some of the people at that competition are world-class athletes, and you're feeding them that before their big day??? My friend sitting next to me said, "Man, the pizza just keeps following me!" I felt the same way. We all agreed that like 5 of the salads would have been perfect. My stomach was a bit of a mess that night, but, fortunately, I recovered by morning.

Saturday I had performance nerves so bad that I could only drink my orange juice in the morning, then I didn't eat again until about 3:00, after it was over. That night we went to a party in San Francisco, where a friend of ours proposed to another friend. I had wine and Chinese food, already feeling somewhat defeated from the night before.

On Sunday I felt like a truck had run over my emotions, so had some more cooked stuff, even ice cream with my son (aaaaa!). But I did figure out how to get the video Gary took of me competing into YouTube. I have to say, although I was nowhere near as good as some of the participants who have had steady, daily practices for years, I think I did ok for only training hard for about two weeks (most spent months).

At 5:45 on Sunday I decided to stop being so down on myself, and took myself to the 6:00 p.m. yoga class, which is just what I needed. The teacher was talking about how he's doing an 8-day cleanse, which is basically 811rv except he's having a cooked broth each morning too. Everyone in the class was like, "Wow! 8 days of nothing but that???" And here I am thinking I'm gonna try to do a lifetime of it, and thrash myself mercilessly because it's a eensy weensy bit difficult. It really put it all in perspective, and I told the teacher, Tim, that I'm doing that cleanse too, starting tomorrow (minus that broth, of course). It seemed the forces that be were looking out for me in getting me to that class. It was difficult, and I drank about a gallon of water (after my imbibing the night before), but I felt emotionally recharged in an extremely fortuitous way.

In sorting this whole experience into logical sense, what is apparent to me is that I am at peace when I am focused. Sometimes it is hard to stay focus, like when someone wafts pizza in front of you and you're feeling hungry (and left out), but the focus is what I need to retain. I am getting good at recognizing when I've lost my focus, and I'm getting better at getting it back faster. Looking back at my experiences over the last few months of really trying to transition, I'm seeing that my off-day experiences are getting shorter and shorter. From 5 days, 4 days, now 2 days. Used to be (years ago) that if I was strong on a raw diet and then went off, it would be months before I could muster the will to try again. So I have to say I'm making progress, even if it's still all such a bother.

I've been spending the little time I have on the Fruitarian Fitness 90-day challenge logs, which is why I haven't been posting here as much. I'll try to keep this updated from time to time though.

Thank God for New Year’s Day!

2008-01-01T15:20:00.000-08:00

Olivia Newton-John was right, you know
I woke up this morning with my head chock full of 1980, singing away to the Xanadu soundtrack. How odd. So I thought I’d get out some cheese of the non-dairy variety and put it in my blog. You see, it occurred to me that, in order to get off of cooked food and to survive the temptations long-term with this lifestyle:

You have to believe we are magic
Nothin' can stand in our way
You have to believe we are magic
Don't let your aim ever stray
And if all your hopes survive
Your destiny will arrive
[And] bring all your dreams alive
For you

And that’s what it’s really all about. It’s such a head trip, this whole thing. I’ve been slipping and sliding all over the place since I last posted. You don’t even want to know. I have almost felt compelled to skate thin ice at the end of the year. It’s annoying, but I know I’m not alone in this strange psychology. I’ve had a few “on” days and a few more “off” days. Here’s a YouTube video which pretty much sums up my reality:

Now, my problem’s not really a weight one (although have I ever in my life thought I was thin?? Last time was maybe when I was 10 years old). But I’ve definitely got the “food issues” thing going down. Whether it’s really an “issue” or whether I’ve just made it one, who really knows. But the reality is that I’ve got a health problem that I think this diet would fix, or at least improve, so no matter what my “food issues” are, that is still my reality.

The test of endurance
Saturday is my yoga competition. That photo above is me practicing one of my poses for my family members when we were in Lake Tahoe just before Christmas. (Sorry about those extra feet in the pic.) Well, I just found out attendance at the pre-competition dinner is mandatory (or at least highly recommended) for all competitors, as the format of the competition will be explained. I was originally thinking, and posted some time back, that I might just “do the best I could” at this dinner. I was even at one point thinking, screw it, I’ll just eat the dinner.

The last few days, however, being so dietarily haphazard, have taught me that I cannot do that. I will attend, but if I’m starving and eat nothing and suffer gravely for several hours, so be it. I cannot afford to give in. Why?

Because New Year’s Day is one of the most powerful days of the year, where we are given a mental clean slate, a get-out-of-jail-free card, if you will. This day has a powerful momentum that radiates as long as you cling to it. If I were to just eat that one cooked meal, it might be until January 1, 2009 until I could re-harness that energy. So I will make it through that dinner, no matter what.

Here’s another reason: Does that pose look very comfortable to do with a bad stomach? :-)

Day 21: Oops, I did it again!

2007-12-24T13:10:00.000-08:00

Can't seem to manage to get to three weeks on this diet without taking a stumble. I really set myself up for it in a way though, but I'm alright with it too. Here's what happened ...

Yesterday I spent all day cooking a lovely three-course meal of Indian food for some family members visiting from the East Coast and Colombia: saag paneer (spinach cheese), channa masala (spiced chickpeas), aloo gobhi (potato cauliflower), chapatis (flatbread), and rice. Everything homemade. I actually like making fancy meals like this every now and then. For my dinner I had a guacamole with avocado, cilantro, tomato and corn, and scooped it/wrapped it up in bok choy. It was pretty good, and I ate until I couldn't eat any more; in fact, I couldn't even finish it. My dad had brought some wine over, which I love, but, since I've been avoiding that kind of thing lately, I didn't have any with dinner.

Then an hour or so after everyone left I was feeling hungry a bit but didn't pay much heed since it was getting late-ish. But that wine sure looked good, so I poured myself a glass: my undoing! No sooner had I downed a glass of wine than I was straight into those leftovers which looked so appealing. Then I had some more wine while watching TV.

I wouldn't call any of this a binge per se, because it wasn't. I just ate/drank some things not on my list of preferred foods. But you know what? I'm actually OK with it. I don't want to make huge excuses for myself, but it is Christmas, and I've been doing really well. If I stumble a bit it's not the end of the world. I'm seeing and feeling progress, and, while I love all the festivities at this time of year, for dietary reasons I'm looking forward to getting past them, going into the new year with a reaffirmed commitment to this lifestyle. Now that I know that it's working for me, I can't help but continue to transition into it more fully.

(By the way, my pulse is, quite frequently, racing at about 85-95 bpm, which probably means my thyroid medication is TOO HIGH: WHOO HOO! Did I tell you that already? Anywho, I go for my blood draw later this week. Cross your fingers!)

Truly, there's a reason why everyone picks New Year's Day as the day to start all those resolutions, especially of the weight-loss variety. There's nothing, zilch, nada going on for about 6 weeks (Valentine's Day, if one celebrates that), and it's almost a straight shot through until summer when it's time to get out the swimsuits.

So if I fall a little because I'm not yet a Hardcore, Professional Fruitarian, eh ... whatever! I'm human, and I'm learning to give myself a break for that. I do, however, feel more committed to doing this for the long haul than I did a couple months ago, and I think that's why my stumbles don't frighten me so much now. I also think there is great value in presenting to the world my "imperfections" while transitioning to this lifestyle. It's the most ascetic thing I've ever done in my life, and I want people to know that if you stumble a little bit, all is not lost. It's the overall direction I'm going, not how perfect I am every second of every single day. If I can do it, so can other mere mortals out there, and that's the moral of the story.

Today so far I've had just orange juice, and am thinking that it would be nice to (some time soon, not necessarily today) just drink orange juice for a few days. That's the closest I'm going to get to fasting for the moment.

I went to a yoga class today (which didn't feel so perfect after imbibing last night, but I survived). I'm definitely feeling a lot stronger in my yoga practice. My muscles are still complaining a lot due to lactic acid buildup, but it seems I'm actually getting stronger at a faster rate than usual. I'm feeling quite sturdy, and my balance is improved. Flexibility is noticeably enhanced.

I may not blog for the next week or so, as Gary is off work this week and I don't want to spend my days on the computer. Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (or whatever holiday you celebrate at this time of year).

Too lazy to input all my food into Nutridiary. I'll pick up on that in the new year.

Day 19: Whistling while I work

2007-12-22T19:36:00.000-08:00

Housecleaning can be fun
I think that quantum leap in health that so many people speak of with this diet is just around the bend. In fact, is that energy I'm feeling? I hardly recognize the sensation anymore, it's been so long. But here's what I got up to today: Woke up early, but tried as hard as I could to sleep in, finally emerging at around 7 or 7:30. My man has returned, so he was entertaining the children downstairs while I attempted to get my beauty sleep, which was not forthcoming. Gave up, got up, and immediately decided to clean the entire upstairs, where we have our bedroom and a bathroom. That took until noon.

I have to interject here to explain that one of the symptoms of a thyroid problem (and mothering young children) is a perpetually dirty house. I have not had the entire house clean all at once EVER, not since we moved here in 2003. I have desperately wanted to clear out and clean out for YEARS, but even keeping my head above water with the regular daily tasks has been an almost insurmountable challenge ever since I got sick. Another symptom of a thyroid problem is depression, and sitting around devoid of energy in a messy house does not help the situation one iota. Today, I FINALLY had the energy to start changing that.

I cleaned that upstairs top to bottom, removing all the cobwebs, dust and grime, washing all the bedding (yes, I have actually done that since 2003!), putting things away, going through things, reorganizing, until it was all so spic and span that I actually smiled inside. I have decided that all I want for Christmas is a clean house, and the energy to make it so!

I cleaned and I cleaned, and when I was finished cleaning upstairs, I came downstairs and cleaned some more, but I ran out of time because I had to get to my high-intensity Bikram yoga class. Darn!

Went to yoga, did every single pose without sitting down to catch my breath once -- and I haven't done that in over a year, probably. Additionally, I was more flexible in this class than I was the last class I took, which was about three weeks ago. How does that happen???? This diet is the Super Boring Incredible Diet. It truly appears to be beginning to work wonders, and just in time for my yoga competition in two weeks!

Eating fruit in the snow
About that vacation: Four days in the snow eating fruit, very strange indeed. But I made it through. There were times that I did not eat enough, namely the one day I took my son skiing. I brought some dates and a few bananas, but I didn't want to have to pee too much, so didn't bring enough bananas. I got a headache early on that day, which built up and built up. What really was the final straw was deciding to do a longer ski run with my sister, which set in some motion sickness for some reason too. In fact, it was so excruciating that I took a couple Tylenols in the car on the way back to the condo, but when I got in the house I immediately threw them up. So I'd call it sort of cheating. :-) I had a headache all the next day too. I do think some of it was altitude, plus I think I really started to detox pretty heavy, probably somewhat from ingesting less. I've had a pretty bad taste in my mouth since then, but today, man, my energy is amazing!

Following is my food since I last blogged. I did eat one avocado each of the three evenings I was away, and I think this was a good idea. Although it brought my fat intake to higher than 10% for those days (as high as 19%), it also helped me feel much more satiated when I was surrounded by a whole lot of yummy looking cooked stuff (pizza again!) on all sides. I intend to eat lower fat for then next couple days to bring it back into balance. I think the higher-fat strategy when I knew I was in a proverbial lion's den was a good move which helped me emotionally to survive the temptation; it felt like I was getting a "treat" too.

Day 19
Food:
5 cups orange juice
6 bananas, blended with 1 romaine heart
10 blended tangerines
2 stalks celery, 3 persimmons
Calories: 1559
Calonutrient ratio: 91/5/4

Day 18
Food:
6 bananas blended with 3 stalks celery
15 dates
3 bananas
5 cups orange juice
Smoothie of 6 red bananas and 1 romaine heart
Calories: 2024
Calonutrient ratio: 92/5/3

Day 17 (small headache still today)
Food:
4 persimmons, 1 mango, smoothie of 11 clementines
3 bananas
4 cups orange juice
6 bananas blended with 1 romaine heart, 1 avocado, 4 persimmons
Calories: 2235
Calonutrient ratio: 82/5/13

Day 16 (the really bad headache day!)
Food:
2 bananas, 2 mangoes
2 bananas, 10 dates
1 avocado, smoothie of 3 bananas and 1 romaine heart
Calories: 1314
Calonutrient ratio: 77/4/19

Day 15
Food:
4 cups orange juice
7 bananas
10 dates
1 avocado, 4 persimmons
Calories: 1601
Calonutrient ratio: 80/4/16

Day 15: Into the wild

2007-12-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

I'll be out of the blogosphere for a few days while I go attempt to rest and recuperate in Lake Tahoe with my family. It should be fun, although I won't have the spousal support in dealing with the little guys (he's still in Texas: Sarah, would you guys stop using so much water so he can come home??). The kids will get to see real snow for the first time (I think), and I'm looking forward to that.

I'm getting my food all packed. Went to Berkeley Bowl yesterday and bought about half the red bananas on the shelf, plus I noticed they were selling "cut stem" yellow bananas for $.49/lb, so I bought a bunch of those too. I wonder what people think as I go through checkout with 80 bananas!

This will, I hope anyway, be one of my first successful escapades in traveling while raw. In the past, with my love of travel and restaurants, I have always, ALWAYS, without fail, failed to continue a raw food diet while traveling. This will be uncharted territory.

I haven't always been eating as much at meals lately, and have had some cravings as a result, but haven't really been fully tempted by them. I've just sometimes felt, "I wish I didn't have to do this," but never the thought, "Let's do something different!" It's not always comfortable, but I don't feel threatened at all. As to why I haven't been eating as much, it's partially boredom, and partially the fact that the need for bathrooms makes me have to plan ahead, so sometimes I stall eating longer than I should.

Marjorie posted an explanation from Dr. D to the peeing phenomenon on my comments the other day: "Basically, you are losing brine from all of those years of eating salt. AND as you lose fat, you'll also lose the water that was stored in your adipose tissue. And the diet is high water content, too. So, the answer is, you won't pee like a racehorse forever, but you will pee more than the average dehydrated SAD [standard American diet] eater." Great! I could eat cardboard all day and already do that. Hopefully it will settle down soon. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for the explanation, Marjorie! :-)

Yesterday I got invited to a Friday evening dinner on January 4th, pre-yoga-competition on the 5th. At first I declined, but then had second thoughts. My studio is going to pay for a hotel room for me down there, and I really think it will be a fun opportunity to meet others who are really into this yoga thing I love. I thought about it awhile, then called back to confirm. I don't want to miss out on life opportunities because I have this super strict diet. The dinner is supposed to be a buffet. Hopefully they will have a salad I can eat. I'll eat in advance and bring an avocado and hope for the best. I may try to get contact info and call down there to get more details next week.

It's things such as this where I find this diet super annoying, but I'm not sure what to do about that except just try to work around it as best I can. I was speaking to my friend Ela yesterday and she said that truthfully it's not about what you do on one occasion, but what you do every day, that counts, and I think that's true. But unfortunately at this point I can't "just have one meal" because that would turn into another 6 months of indulgence and put me back at square one. At least that's what previous experience tells me. So for now I have to stick to the straight and narrow as best I can. Especially the night before a competition after a month on low fat raw food, I bet my body would rebel something fierce if I tried to go too crazy. Yet still, I don't know what the outcome of that night will be, but I wanted to take the risk, because the payoff seemed good enough. If anyone else out there has experience with this type of thing -- how the heck do YOU deal with it??? -- I'd be happy to hear.

Many blessings over the next few days!

Weekly Numbers:
Weight: 111.4 (-7.6)
Body Fat % (according to the Tanita scale): 21.7% (-1.8%)
Hydration (according to the scale): 53.6% (+.9%)

Day 14

2007-12-17T19:34:00.000-08:00

Food:
4 cups orange juice (12 oranges)
2 blended oranges (didn't like that very much -- too bitter)
4 red bananas with 18 oz raspberries
1 cup cherries
3/4 romaine heart, juice of 1 orange as dressing, 1 avocado

Calories: 1659
Calonutrient ratio: 77/6/17

Day 13: A minor success

2007-12-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to blog a bit about the experience I had last night. My sister invited me down to her workplace where they were having this amazing Christmas party for kids. They had a giant bouncy slide, another bouncy thing, ornament decorating, face painting, caricature drawing, a "shootout" game, a toy grabber game, this giant bungie jumping thing, bumper cars, Santa Clause, Santa's "sleigh ride" (wagon with horses), and a whole bunch of food. It was quite a production, and I was really impressed. The owners of the company, to save money, were making all the food themselves, which I thought was quite cool actually. It's a family operation, and the whole family was back there cooking hot dogs and tri-tip steak for all the employees, which I found quite impressive, even if I'm not into that kind of food.

In addition to that they also had boxes of Domino's pizza, which I could have so easily sank my teeth into. I know, if I'm going to eat pizza, it really shouldn't be Domino's, and I wasn't about to fall off the wagon. But I can't say that it wasn't a nails-on-the-chalkboard moment. I had planned ahead and brought my banana/hemp smoothie with me, which I guzzled in the car before going into the party. Didn't seem to help one iota. Still wanted the pizza. They had salad too, but it wasn't quite up to my snobby purist standards (vinegar, etc.), so I just let the kids eat and then we went to play some more.

But you know what the BEAUTIFUL thing was??? (I'm so excited about this!) When I walked away from that table, it was out-of-mind. And when I drove home (a two-hour drive) I was hungry, but I was not overwhelmed by thoughts of how much I wanted pizza. I just wanted to go to bed, and it was NO BIG DEAL!

The best analogy I could come up with while I was driving is this: When you are overwhelmed by food cravings you feel like a vacuum cleaner that's turned on, but you're not getting anything. You just feel a vacuum that is really uncomfortable. Last night I definitely had the sense that the switch had been flipped off. While it's still no fun necessarily to be in the presence of something, it wasn't an issue once the immediacy of that situation was over, and I felt quite satisfied and at peace.

The event was a minor success, but what it suggests about inner chemical changes is potentially huge.

Someone asked recently about before and after pics. I do have some before pics, in all their unfinished glory (i.e. no makeup, close-up shots). But I’ve only started this journey, so unfortunately, I’m not too far from that stage, and am not yet comfortable posting them for this reason. I’m quite self-conscious about how poor my skin is these days (to me anyway). It actually is better than it was: I’m not getting boils anymore. But it’s still very dry and makes me mad. Give me some time and I’ll post pics once I have some progress to show. My assumption is that my skin will sort itself out at some point, but since it’s one of the last eliminative organs, that may not happen totally for a little while. Plus, I’ve still got the adrenal business to deal with. Hang tight, and I’ll post when I’m far enough away from my “before” pic that I’m not embarrassed.

Food:
4 cups orange juice (12 oranges)
6 red bananas
7 red bananas
1-1/2 cups orange juice
10 blended tangerines, 4 persimmons, 1 asian pear, 1.5 cups roma tomatoes, 2 stalks celery (I think??)

Calories: 2408
Calonutrient ratio: 91/5/4

Day 12: Are racehorses fruitarians too?

2007-12-15T23:00:00.001-08:00

'Cause man, this diet makes me pee a lot! Sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. Ok, I admit it: I already pee more than your average Joe, and now I'm even worse than that. I can't even tell you how much, but I can say it's more than I choose to count, if that gives an idea. I'm wondering if it's simply that I'm eating higher-water-content foods, or if this is part of the detox process (please let it be the latter, because it's super annoying!). Any ideas out there in wwwville?

Food:

5 cups orange juice (ok, that would make average Joe pee too, but not all day long!)
Smoothie: 6 bananas, 1/4 cup hemp seeds, handful of lettuce from the garden
4 fuyu persimmons, 1 asian pear
Smoothie: 6 bananas, 1/4 cup hemp seeds, handful of lettuce from the garden

Calories: 1863
Calonutrient ratio: 88/6/6

Day 11: I'm an orange juice junkie!

2007-12-14T21:00:00.000-08:00

Strange days .... On the one hand I’ve been on a total upper, feeling so motivated by this life replete with possibilities. On the other hand, I’ve been in a cranky mood, irritable, impatient. I suppose that’s nothing to do with 24/7 childcare for the last 10 days without so much as a 15-minute veg-out session (does blogging count??).

I feel like I’m over the worst of the initial-craving clean out, like I’ve settled into this way of eating quite easily this time. Yet, lest someone out there is reading this who is bruising their feet on the sharp stones of this narrow ascetic path, let me remind you that it’s taken me years to get to this point, years, and I never thought I could ever get here, and I can’t say what happens after now, this very moment in time.

Especially when there are homemade cheese tamales in my oven! My son goes to a bilingual Spanish/English preschool, and every year they have a tamale sale as a fundraiser at Christmastime. You have to buy at least six. It’s just about killing me, folks. Well, I could have donated more than what they were selling the tamales for, and maybe I should have, but I didn’t realize they were arriving today, when it’s only me at home with the kids. It’s Satan at work, I tell you! Mmmmm! They SMELL SO GOOD! Alas, the struggles of a fruitarian housewife!

But I did make a welcome discovery last night: Banana + hemp seed + lettuce + VitaMix blender = smiling kids and a filling, satisfying meal. My older child wanted it for breakfast today, as well as dinner (after I had already put those tamales in the oven). It’s a hit! I’m off for three days next week to Lake Tahoe with family, and I think I’m going to make this smoothie a staple, so as to not go insane with everyone else’s food around. It’s a bit higher fat than I usually have, but it’s not off the charts, so it’s fine for once or twice a day. I’m glad to have a really filling, long-lasting meal discovery just in time for the holidays.

I keep forgetting to post my exercise. I’ve really only been getting back into the groove the last couple days, but I’ve been jogging now two times this week (about a mile each). Plus I’ve done my physical therapy several days this week. Day before yesterday I did a full Bikram yoga session, and yesterday I did a quick half session. Today I’m still a bit sore, so I just did the poses that I’m going to have to do in front of a million people (ugh!) on January 5. I did notice that today during my jog my pace had come up slightly from when I first started jogging six weeks or so ago.

On the fitness note: Today I registered for the Fruitarian Fitness 90-day Body Transformation Challenge, and I’m really looking forward to it. I want to prove that the weight bench in our attic is not the stupidest thing I ever bought! Seriously, if you’re interested, I’ve posted my short- and long-term goals on that site. Join the competition yourself! I need all the positive stress I can get. :-)

I am such an orange juice junkie these days. I swear, I should have just kept up my cigarette habit! :-) Naw, those oranges are costing me about $2.50 a day, mas o menos. I buy them from the orange dealer guy who hangs out on the corner of Cutting and Harbour Way in Richmond. It all feels very clandestine. He sells bags that are roughly 6 pounds for $3 each, or two for $5, and they’re really good oranges, plus, I get to practice my Spanish with him. I could maybe get cheaper oranges somewhere else, but I like supporting the little guy on the corner. I think my morning orange juice is my favorite part of this lifestyle (although I do suffer some bladder repercussions from it later in the morning, which I’m working on improving).

Other than my morning orange juice, I have to be honest and say this diet doesn’t much excite me. As a matter of fact, it’s forced me to totally stop looking at food as a sorce of excitement. I do actually find it quite boring, palate-wise. But in a sense, I see that as part of the point of it: It’s an interesting and beneficial experience to use food as nourishment and only as nourishment. That means you’re truly eating simply. Can’t say I’ve ever really done that for any stretch of time until now. What I’ve found, now that I’m past the initial stage, is that I’ve simply found other things to focus on. There’s a lot more to life than food, and this diet heightens your awareness of everything else in life.

Food:

5 cups orange juice (12 oranges)
About 5 bananas, ¼ cup hemp seed, 1 bunch of lettuce from my garden, blended
2 persimmons and a few bites of asian pear
2 bunches of lettuce from my garden (really bitter), 5 kiwis (tasted bitter too, so maybe it’s me today)

Calories: 1836
Calonutrient ratio: 88/6/6
Exercise: Jog 1-1/5 mile, 10 push ups, some ankle exercises, yoga competition poses

Day 10

2007-12-13T18:16:00.000-08:00

Food:

4 cups orange juice (12 oranges)
8 red bananas
2 cups grape tomatoes, ½ asian pear, 1 mango
2 red bananas (hungry a bit just before taking the kids to the park)
Smoothie: big handful of romaine, ¼ cup hemp seeds, 7 yellow bananas

Calories: 1991
Calonutrient ratio: 89/6/5

Day 9: Get out yer popcorn ... ehm ... bananas, 'cause it's showtime!

2007-12-12T13:38:00.000-08:00

I had a flash realization last night that I have had this thing ALL WRONG! I said earlier that my goal was to get off of thyroid medication. After watching a bunch of raw inspiration videos on YouTube I saw clearly what a really dumb goal that is. To live free of the evil tyranny of Big Pharma is my goal in life? It's my birthright! Not the goal of my life! So that is no longer a goal for me. It is a milestone that I want to reach while on the way to my ultimate goal of a wondrous life of my own creation.

So what, indeed, is my goal with this health and fitness fanaticism? The biggest inspiration who spawned this mental gear turning is my new hero, Tim VanOrden, who is "attempting to make an Olympic team and break world records at the age of forty, as a raw vegan." He's the reigning stair-climbing champion in the US. He only began this crusade a few years ago. He gave up on competitive sports years ago due to multiple injuries, but then, after a year of being a raw vegan, he found he had abundant energy and was able to start training again, so he set himself the mission of seeing what was possible. Do check out his website, where there are a lot of clips: www.runningraw.com. Here's one clip I really enjoyed:

Goals Redefined
So he got me thinking, what if I decide to train for the London Marathon or something? I'm still thinking about that one, but I did come up with a couple goals I'm sure about:

Compete in the regional 2007 Bishnu Charan Ghosh Yoga Asana Competition on January 5 in San Jose. I'll be there, so if you're anywhere nearby, come cheer for me! No, I won't win in the traditional sense of the word, not with a mere few weeks of "hard training" under my belt. But I decided that even if I fell out of every single pose it would be a triumph for me, because I would be conquering my fears and my illness. I went to the yoga studio and registered for the competition today.
Do an aeriel cartwheel again (that's a cartwheel with no hands). The last time I suceeded at it was about 15 years ago (I'm in my mid-thirties, folks).
Here's an even bigger goal: To be able to do a back handspring. Haven't done this since I was 21, maybe.
And I wasn't half joking about that marathon idea!

Here's another inspiring video, from Richard Blackman (F1, aka Fruitarian One), another great inspiration to me. Blogger Sarah's husband Kevin already posted this clip on his blog, but it's such a great clip that I think it's worth repeating. Sorry to steal your idea, Kevin! :-)

Food:

Juice of 3 oranges (1.5 cups), 2 mangoes
Smoothie: 6 yellow bananas, 6 oz kale
Large salad: Not totally sure of the amounts of the greens, but it was about 6 oz of romaine and 1/2 bunch of spinach, with 1 cup grape tomatoes, 2 stalks celery, and a dressing of blended mango.

Calories: 1378
Calonutrient ratio: 89/7/4

I see so many possibilities in front of me now. I'm feeling better already, and I'm only on Day 9, for Pete's sake! What will the future hold??

Gratitude of the day goes to Tim VanOrden and Richard Blackman, for inspiring me to trek on with a big grin.

"See ya!" to hachiyas

2007-12-11T06:11:00.001-08:00

I have had it up to here -- quite literally -- with hachiya persimmons. They have taken over my entire living room, and, quite frankly, they're irritating. Can you believe I'm still waiting for some of those to ripen that I blogged about almost a month ago??? Now, I'm sorry, but that's wearing out your welcome!

Hachiyas, when I met my first group of persimmons a few years ago, were my definite favorites. I must have had a string of good luck with them though, because this year is another story entirely. I went to Berkeley Bowl the other day to get a bunch of bananas (my staple of late), and saw that they had boxes of five ripe hachiyas on sale for $.49. I bought four boxes, and came home thinking I got a killer deal. Opened an entire box up the other night and they all -- every single one -- was overripe and disgusting, although they looked and felt perfect on the outside. I basically threw out all but about three persimmons out of 20. I give up on that fruit!

How I'm feeling after a week of really solid 80/10/10
Energy: The first six days I was sooooo tired in the evenings, going to bed no later than 8:30, or 8:45, with the kids. Meanwhile, my energy during the day kept getting better and better, and more and more constant. During my 811rv hiatus, I was needing naps in the afternoon, and it's not natural for me to nap (even as a very young child, I boycotted naps). But this week, I don't think I had even one nap.

The other thing that absolutely delights me is that I have WAY more energy for my kids. I took them to a park the other day and we actually raced across a baseball field, back and forth, and back and forth, and rolled in the grass; then I chased them up and down this play structure until my 4-year-old got tired and bumped his head on something (Game Over). We were all breathing really hard, and I could have played more. Back in my supposedly-hormonally-normalized-but-not-feeling-normal days it was hard enough just to get to the park, let alone chase them around, so this is a milestone for me, and I didn't feel this good last week.

Last night I actually felt like staying up past the kids' bedtime, for the first time in a week. I put them to bed, ran myself a nice hot bath, sank into it ... aaaaah! ... then, seven minutes later "Waaaaa, waaaaaa, waaaaaaaa!" coming from upstairs. I think my two-year-old had a nightmare or something. So much for that bath! So I ended up going to bed fairly early anyway (9:30), but later than I had all week.

Appetite and Cravings: Over this last week I have had a very few bouts of cravings, but they have been very short-lived, and I've made sure to eat something large as soon as they have hit. To say this lack of cravings is highly unusual for me is a major understatement. I have really, really tried to eat as much as possible, heeding Doug Graham's advice, and have diligently tried to stretch my stomach a bit, and I think it has really helped. I think I've managed to get an extra 200-300 calories a day over what I was getting a few weeks back through this attention to detail. It may not sound like much, but that's about 10-15% more than what I was eating, and it's made all the difference. It also helps that I'm alone this week (Gary not here cooking all kinds of yummy smelling things) so I have remained very focused on my own path.

Detox Symptoms:

Besides the tiredness, I had a few headaches in the late afternoons. The first one, on day three, was the killer one that required Big Pharma's help (due to childcare considerations). Besides that one I think I've had two minor ones that were barely something I noticed.
My skin, although maybe not overly noticeable to anyone but me, is definitely a bit redder, rougher, and changing every day.
My tongue has a bit of white coating on it, and my mouth tastes slightly bad sometimes between meals.

Digestion: well, it had totally sorted itself out, and I was completely regular, and now I might be becoming a bit too regular (5x per day!), which is fine with me since it may indicate hyperthyroidism, which necessitates a drop in dosage. I'm not overly comfortable talking about this aspect, but I think it's important to report for all those with thyroid issues. I know I certainly have been unable to find much information about the long process of getting of thyroid medication, for the main reason that very few people go succeed at it, especially when it comes to longstanding Hashimoto's thyroiditis. All I can do is cross my fingers at this point, and hope that someday I will be totally off the meds.

Sensation of Temperature: This is a weird thing. Even when I was supposedly more on the hyperthyroid side a few weeks ago, my feet and hands were freezing (ok, we were in stormy, rainy Portland for a few days) all the time. And they are still pretty cold, although not freezing. So this is one thing I can't really make any sense of. Hypothyroidism makes your extremities cold. Why are mine still cold when I'm not hypo anymore? No clue. Just something I've noticed.

Indications that I'm going in the right direction

Energy, when I do have it, is WAY up (like 50% increase).
Energy levels stabilizing, rather than the roller coaster AWAKE ... tired ... AWAKE ... tired thing.
Waking up earlier and earlier (5:30 today with no alarm: That definitely ain't normal for me).
Wanting to exercise (but not really getting a huge chance, with the kids. I have done a few strength training exercises each day, but very little cardio this week).
Feeling very satiated most of the time.
Marked decrease in cravings.

Weight: 113.8 (-5.2)
Body fat: 23.6% (+.1)
Hydration level: (-.3)

Note: Those numbers seem very strange to me, but judging by how good I feel I can only conclude that my body knows what it's doing, in the order it wants to do it. :-)

Food:

4 cups orange juice (10 oranges)
8 red bananas
6 red bananas
2 mangoes, 2 stupid hachiya persimmons
6 blended clementines, which I drank and also used for salad dressing on my salad of 1 romaine heart, 2/3 roma tomato, 2/3 red bell pepper

Calories: 2281
Calonutrient ratio: 91/5/4

Day 7: Strangely hungry much of the day

2007-12-11T06:06:00.000-08:00

Food:

4 cups orange juice (10 oranges)
7 red bananas
Smoothie with some citrus leftovers from the kids: 1.5 kiwis, 5.5 tangerines, 2.5 cups strawberries
Smoothie: 6 red bananas, 1.5 cups red grapes
Salad: 11 oz romaine (2 romaine hearts), 1/2 sliced avocado (2 oz), 1 ear white corn; dressing of 1 small avocado (4 oz), 1 cup grape tomatoes, 5 honey dates, juice of 1/2 a lemon (a bit too much lemon).

Calories: 2466
Calonutrient ratio: 81/6/13

Day 6: Getting used to this

2007-12-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

Food:

4 cups orange juice (12 oranges)
4 arbutis berries (not sure if there's another name for them; they're from my parents' yard); smoothie of 10 red bananas and 1 romaine heart
4 stalks celery
2 cups orange juice (6 oranges) blended with 12 oz strawberries
A few bites overripe hachiya persimmon, 1 mango, 1.5 cups red grapes (I was not hungry even at the beginning of this meal, and probably should have heeded the call and not eaten, but I wanted to try to get my full calories for the day, so I did anyway.)

Calories: 1786
Calonutirent ratio: 90/6/4

Day 5: Bless Me, Dr. D, for I have sinned ...

2007-12-08T08:32:00.000-08:00

... it's been 41 hours since my last pain killer! (That's a jab at the 80/10/10 -- not the Catholic -- church!) Yes, it's true. I regret to inform you that karma came a-knockin' the other day, just after I told you how I was in so little pain and the detox was going just fabulously. Whoom! Huge headache of migraine-like proportions. I knew if I didn't take a pain killer (or two! :-) ) I was not going to be able to pick up my child from preschool without turning my car into a vomitorium. I was not partial to the vomitorium option, so I had two choices: Eat a bunch of pizza and drink some coffee or take some little blue pills and watch the pain go bye-bye. I opted for least fun of the two options, the second, which I think was the one that allowed my detox to continue in some fashion.

Today the skin on my forehead is really rough and my nose looks red (rosecea-like issues going on). My energy is not so great yet, but I can really tell I'm in cleansing mode, more so than when I was doing my halfway approach to this diet.

I have been doing a lot of visualization recently, seeing myself as energetic and healed. It's helping to keep my spirits up. I think the most difficult part of this whole journey is just the first step. Not even the first action, but the thoughts that precede the action: Just believing that it's possible to heal, and countering all the negativity that is dumped on you by the medical establishment, which feels like a latrine of 100 elephants.

Food:

Juice of 7 oranges (3.5 cups)
Smoothie: 4 red bananas, 6 oz blueberries, 3 pears (a couple varieties -- not sure which -- from a bag of bargain produce)
Watery smoothie of 2 red bananas, 4 honey dates, with a handful of common mallow (malva neglecta) from my back yard (I was doing the weeding and found some edibles!). If you don't know what this is, check out the link, because you probably have some of these free greens in your yard too! 1.5 Hayden mangoes on the side.
4 stalks celery - I was kind of craving this.
2 fuyu persimmons, 1/2 small hachiya persimmon, 1 burro banana. I never had one of these before. I don't think it was ripe enough. 4 oz avocado, 1.5 cups red grapes, 1 red bell pepper.

Calories: 2000
Calonutrient ratio: 86/4/10

Day 4: Craving uprising

2007-12-07T22:00:00.000-08:00

I'm posting this on Day 5, but here's a summary of yesterday:

I struggled with some horrendous thoughts of devouring the cheese Gary bought that's still in the fridge, as well as some of the cooked stuff the kids had, but I managed to not focus on it. I just noted the momentary sinking feeling and moved on, although I did note I was more irritable than usual.

I was very, very tired in the evening, and forced everyone to bed at 8:00. Had a bit of a yelling match with the two-year-old who jabbered in bed for an hour, talking about "night night" and "a-muls" (animals). Under normal circumstances this would have been cute, but I was not in the mood. I badly needed sleep, and he was extremely reluctant to give it to me! I finally went to sleep a bit after 9:00.

Food:

5 cups orange juice (10 oranges)
8 red bananas, 4.4 oz box of blueberries, 2 sticks celery, blended
3 fuyu persimmons
1 box 4.4 oz blueberries
1 romaine heart, 1/2 cup broccoli, 1 large carrot (trying to use these up - I had a whole bunch in the fridge from my juicing days), dressing of 1.5 roma tomatoes, 1/2 avocado (2 oz), 1 tsp lemon juice, 1 ear yellow corn

Calories: 1931
Calonutrient ratio: 88/5/7

Day 3: Nightmares can be a good omen!

2007-12-06T11:37:00.001-08:00

I officially entered the detox portion of this journey last night. I was wondering, too, because I felt almost too good for days one and two. Didn't get around to posting since Gary went out of town (Ft. Worth – Sarah,
he’s programming/starting up
your new water treatment plant!) and I'm on the childcare/juggle-your-life/24-7 thing. (I did manage to track my food, see below.) Yet I can tell you with certainty that something has shifted within me. The last few weeks of struggle have turned out to be a watershed moment in my life, separating the wheat from the chaff.

I have been on such an emotional upswing it's almost unbelievable. I fully, one hundred percent, believe in myself, and believe that I can heal from this. I also believe that I have the focus and clarity now that it will take in order to achieve it, and that's what I needed to take some time honing. It's a hard thing to do: Not only what no one else will do, but what many people are appalled that you even want to try, and to do it with conviction and certainty, is a difficult thing. I have acknowledged that for myself.

Let me tell you about my daydream yesterday (and then I'll tell you about that nightmare). I was thinking about that moment when I know that I have finally overcome this thing, who I would like to thank as I throw out that last bottle of levothyroxine: My parents, who have supported me emotionally during this journey; my husband, who's really seen the worst in me and stuck by me nonetheless; Paramahansa Yogananda, my guru, who has taught me to believe in the wonder of myself; Jesus Christ, who taught that love is the greatest gift of all; Bikram Chodhury, who would never take no crap from no one, including me, when I think I can't do it; and my kids who are so precious to me, who gave me a beautiful reason to try to reclaim myself and who teach me that I am worthy of love. Those are a few, and I'm going to keep thanking people (there are a million more) as my healing progresses. So if I didn't mention you, I'm thinking of you. Just wanted to get the gratitude juices flowing.

I think it really helped me tremendously on an emotional level to literally throw out my higher, 112 mcg, dosage, which I happily did on Friday morning. I thought for a nanosecond about keeping it, just in case, but I thought how stupid that would be, because I don't intend to ever need it again. And keeping things like that laying around in a houseful of kids is a health risk, besides. ;-)

I was listening to KPFA radio here in Berkeley yesterday and Frances Moore Lappe was on, author of the groundbreaking ,1971 (?) bestseller Diet for a Small Planet. She said one thing that really made my ears perk up: "What is power? It is simply our capacity to act." And I realized that she hit the nail on the head of what I am experiencing right now. It is when I learn to believe in myself, when I learn that it doesn't matter what someone else's "prognosis" is for me, that I learn that I have power over this thing called illness. I have the capacity to act, and acting I am ...

... and then there's detox. Ai-yai-yai! It really ain't so fun. But it's not so bad this time 'round either. Just groggy ... didn't want to get out of bed. Only a very slight headache though, thankfully. So all in all I have to say it's rather painless. But I did dream last night of drinking a giant cup of coffee with cream while I munched maniacally through a Snickers bar and a packet of Skittles. Sent me into a mental tailspin in this dream too, feeling no hope, feeling controlled by the world around me, etc., etc. And then I woke up from that nightmare and, behold, it was very good. :-) My life was still in my hands! And I realized that I must be -- finally -- growing, because I know that once a fear reaches nightmare proportions, I have immense power to turn my back on it. And I can only get better from here.

Food:

Juice of 10 oranges (5 cups)
8 fuyu persimmons
8 red bananas blended with 2 stalks celery
4 stalks celery, 3 small zebra tomatoes (last of my garden crop), 1 romaine heart, 1/2 avocado (2 oz); 8 blended tangerines

Calonutrient ratio: 89/5/6

Day 2: Stats

2007-12-05T21:00:00.000-08:00

Food:

Juice of 9 oranges
3 manila mangoes, 5 fuyu persimmons
8 bananas blended with 2 stalks celery and 1 cup strawberries (by the way, if anyone reading has a two-year-old, a big stack of strawberry baskets can keep one of those kids occupied for hours!)
3 stalks celery
8 blended tangerines, 1 romaine heart (am I getting enough greens, you veterans??)

Calories: 2081
Calonutrient ratio: 91/5/4

Day 1: Stats

2007-12-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

Food:

2.5 cups orange juice (6 oranges)
7.75 red bananas blended with 1 stick celery (tastes much better this way, easy on the celery)
4 fuyu persimmons, 2 manilla mangoes, a few bites of an unripe Hayden mango that I had to throw out, 2 stalks celery
6 red bananas blended with 1 stalk celery
Juice of 4 oranges, 1 romaine heart

Calories: 2155 (yeah!)
Calonutrient ratio: 92/4/3
Weight: 119.0
Body Fat % (according to the Tanita scale): 23.5%
Hydration (according to the scale): 52.7% (seems I should be dead! :-))

Into the deep end, completely at peace

2007-12-04T08:39:00.001-08:00

Today is the day my life begins to change for the better. I am actually very glad that I didn't try to get right back on 811 right after Thanksgiving, because I now see that I had a lot of emotional work to do, and I (cross my fingers) think I've done it. Not like the process is probably ever over, but I feel that I have done what I needed to do to get myself fully motivated to take the plunge off the edge of the universe, which is sometimes what this feels like to me. (That's my son relaxing in the pool, by the way.)

Today, emotionally, I feel totally at peace with this decision -- and I have made the decision. I'm not looking back, come hell or high water (which I am 99% certain will not happen). I have informed those around me who I needed to inform about my decision. Now it's time to begin my healing escapade.

My goal with this diet, my first goal anyway, is to fully recover from Hashimoto's thyroiditis and its consequent thyroid failure, as well as to restore my adrenal function. Endocrine balance, period. I doubt there's a doctor out there who would think it possible. My doctor said, quite frankly, he thinks I'm past the stage where my body can deal with it, or something along those lines; that I'm past the point of recovery.

I don't believe that. I believe I can and will recover.

New Rules
Screw my previous attempts at making up my own rules. The new rules are the old rules. Very strict 80/10/10 raw vegan to the freakin' letter. I will also (try) to tell you what I'm eating, for those who want to learn about this. While I may eat more than one food at a time, I will endeavor to have no more than four. I will not have coffee, juice (except oj), salt, oil, seasoning: Nada, but will hopefully receive the blessings of the entire universe in exchange.

A new life begins ... NOW! :-)

My dosage has been decreased!

2007-11-30T05:25:00.001-08:00

I had a doctor appointment yesterday, which was quite interesting. This doctor has so many patients that I can only get last-minute cancellation appointments, so consequently I had to bring the whole clan with me. I was quite worried, because in the past I've had to wait like an hour in the waiting room, but yesterday I was able to get right in, so the kids did not have to go into meltdown, and they were quite good for the whole appointment.

In sum, I still feel like crap, but apparently it's not my thyroid this time, and it wasn't my thyroid not long ago when I told you it was crashing again. The doctor thinks it's my adrenals, and he's running more tests, and has put me on over-the-counter DHEA in the meantime.

You know what's kind of funny/not funny about being chronically ill? In the beginning, I really had that Rocky theme song going on in the back of my head. You know, like I was gonna fight it, tackle it, defeat this thing, and who needs your stupid drugs anyway! But then, as I realized that it wasn't going away, the Rocky theme gradually faded, and there was actually no music, just profound silence for awhile, and the I-don't-want-your-stupid-drugs attitude changed to I'm so sick of feeling like crap I'll take anything. Battery acid? Sure, give it here! DHEA? Pfft! Whatever! Frugivorous diet? No problem! You know, you just get desperate after awhile. And I'm about 18 months into this now. But I do feel slightly -- ever so teensy weensy slightly -- encouraged today -- and is that the Chariots of Fire theme I hear in the background?? I guess I'm in for the long haul ...

Of course what all this really means is that I don't really know what I'm talking about, or what I'm feeling, or how to interpret what I'm feeling. Still, the doctor should have at least called me back when I called him saying I felt awful and needed an appointment. It's all a complicated picture, because I do apparently have two imbalances, with my thyroid and adrenals out of whack. And I did have a dosage increase on the thyroid meds about two months ago, so I can't say this is all related to my attempts at the 811 lifestyle. Still, the doctor has lowered my dosage of thyroid meds -- whoo hoo!, and I never thought I'd see that day. I was on 100/112 mcg on alternate days, and he's put it back down to 100 every day now, which is an improvement. Yet now I understand what hyperthyroidism feels like, and if I'm to get over this on the 80/10/10 diet, I'm going to feel it for awhile as my dosage is gradually decreased.

It's 5 a.m. and here are my blood results
Lest you think that having hyperthyroidism feels good, let me tell you that it's 5 a.m., friends, and I can't sleep worth a darn. Really need that sleep too. I'm exhausted, but my pulse is racing slightly (86 at the doctor office yesterday) and you just can't sleep through that kind of nonsense. One thing that came up yesterday in my appointment is that I had a really strange night last week where every time I would lay down my heart would kind of freak out and start beating like da ... da ... da ... dadadadadada ... da ... da da da ... anyway, hard to capture in writing, but you get the point: Normal heart rate for a few beats, then like 120 bpm for a few. Kinda scary. Thought about going to the hospital, but then it calmed down, so I didn't worry about it. Turned out it was the over-dosage of thyroid hormone. Look at these numbers:

TSH-ICMA: .06 uU/mL (yes, that's point-OH-six, not point-six)
T-3, Serum: 188 ng/dL
T-4, Serum: 10.3 ug/dL
Free Thyroxine (by Dialysis) (no idea what that means!): 1.54 ng/dL
Testosterone, Serum: 20 ng/dL (yes, girls have it too!)
Bioavailable testosterone, S: 2.3 ng/dL
Bioavailable testosterone, %: 11.7
SHBG (IRMA): 116 nmol/L
Cortisol, Serum or Plasma: 4.5

I don't pretend to know what all these numbers mean, but I thought I'd publish them in case they mean anything to anyone else. What the doctor said is that my thyroid stimulating hormone is now low (meaning my thyroid doesn't need to be stimulated because I've got too much hormone circulating from the meds), all my thyroid hormones themselves are now high, and my adrenal hormone(s?) are in the low-normal range.

And now back to 80/10/10 ...
... but not today. I'm off on a romantic getaway to Portland today, returning on Monday. First time I will have been away from both my kids for longer than about a night. It will be strange, but I'm looking forward to it. Still, this trip has been one of the things that was actually weighing on my mind when I was doing 811, because we're going up there with a couple friends, and I really couldn't figure out how I was going to be going to restaurants and all that without feeling completely deprived. So after I fell off it, I finally gave myself a break and have decided that this truly is my "last hurrah". When I told Gary that he said, "You've had sooooo many last hurrahs you could have a marching band!" ... to which I had to laugh. He's right, you know, but all I can do is dust myself off and start over. I wrote a letter to my family about my decision, which I sent yesterday, so it's official: Tuesday is the day, and I have no intention of looking back. I'll be offline for a few days, until then, and I'll show you that letter when I get back.

Small steps forward

2007-11-27T22:29:00.000-08:00

I went into a slight emotional meltdown after stumbling in my 811 path last week. But I heeded my inner warning, and have been working a lot, I think, on what has stood in my way. I will blog more about this is the next few days. But I did speak to my husband, Gary, on Thanksgiving about how I'm such a pathetic drill sergeant to myself, and that this is likely one of the things that has been a roadblock to me on this 811 thing. Like I'm not allowing myself to fully feel the negative feelings, because they are not allowed by the drill sergeant.

Inspiration
One person, nay, group of people, who have so inspired me recently in trying to cultivate positive attitude are Kris Carr and the folks who comment on her Crazy Sexy Cancer blog. Kris Carr herself is amazing, and has seemingly spawned this groundswell of positivity in cancer circles after coming out with her groundbreaking documentary on TLC, Crazy Sexy Cancer. She's a cancer SUR-VI-VOR, and I think she, for one (and there are so many others) truly shows what dealing with illness is really about. She's blogged and spoken about how getting past the "please, make it go away!" mentality really jump-starts the true emotional healing and growth that come from dealing with illness. And she's so right. I can't say that I've come as far as her, but I'm on the same page. It's a process, not a destination ... whether it's illness or life, really.

Where I am on 811
So I haven't gotten fully back on track (but I WILL BE SOON ... READ ALL ABOUT IT!), and haven't fully tried yet per se; because I recognized that I have deeper emotional issues to deal with. There's a phrase in financial management: Pay yourself first. I realized -- on Thanksgiving Day, no doubt -- that there is a similar phrase in life management: Love yourself first. I wasn't heeding this. I was getting so mad at myself for feeling what I was feeling. I was having no inner mercy, and it wasn't working. There are also some physiological issues I need to deal with too, such as stretching my stomach for all that fruit, which brings me to ...

... It's a record!
This morning I ate 15 clementines in one sitting. Maybe that's nothing to you veteran 811ers, but it was truly a record for me. I asked my 4-1/2 year old how many tangerines he thought I could eat and he put 16 in a bowl. I said, "Well, that's sure a lot of tangerines, but do you think I can do it?" He had a ball peeling them and cheering me on in our homemade competitive-eating competition. There were a couple halves I had to spit out because they were over-ripe and made me gag (does this happen to any of you??), but I actually did it, so I made it to, say, 15. Probably could have managed a few more, but torture was not on my morning agenda. Which brings me to ...

... Does anyone else out there watch the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest besides me??
I know, I know: It's ABSOLUTELY BARBARIC! Couldn't agree more. But somehow every year I get sucked into the sheer shock of it, and end up watching it. It seems I find out about it always by chance at the last minute. The last one was actually fairly recently -- a few months ago maybe? But especially this last time I watched it I thought: We have GOT to get 811ers going against these competitive eaters (Doug Graham/Takeru Kobayashi/Joey Chestnut, you game??) in a fruit-eating competition sponsored by ORGANIC FARMERS, not Nathans! Now maybe I'm totally crazy, but I think it would be a really fun way to bring attention to not only organic farming, but also to raw foods. And maybe the 811ers would beat these guys, what with their big, stretchy stomachs -- who knows?? We'll certainly never know if Doug Graham could eat more hot dogs than them since he obviously wouldn't, so they're gonna have to come to us! Tee hee! Of course, the whole idea of competitive eating could very well go against the cardinal rule of "just getting enough" of something, but it's still a fun idea that makes me laugh inwardly.

I haven't given up

2007-11-21T19:56:00.000-08:00

Although the last few days have been a huge challenge for me with my symptoms all starting to return, I've been grateful for the support I've gotten from some raw food folks. I've been exchanging emails with Helen of Tennessee (found her on Shazzie's site) who also has a thyroid problem. She wrote this to me:

“I can totally relate to what you wrote about eating raw (fruits). I love fruits though. But even though I love fruits, when I’m hypo, I find it very difficult to eat them and prefer the cooked foods. It’s a catch 22. If I’m feeling well I can eat raw and love it. When I feel bad (hypo), I can’t stay eating raw. Maybe if and when you can get all your hormones balanced (including your adrenal glands) you may find you’ll enjoy eating raw. In the mean time you’ll have to do whatever it takes to feel the best you can.”

I would never wish this problem on anyone, but at least I'm not alone in the world in having to deal with it. To top it all off, I've been desperately putting in calls to my doctor's office to try to get my dosage sorted out before I take a serious nosedive. I know my levels are off and they probably have been for a month. But it appears it wasn't important enough to my doctor to even warrant looking at my lab work -- let alone call me back -- before he left for the rest of the week. At least he'll have a nice Thanksgiving. I've been calling since last Friday. I need a new doctor.

Getting off 811 hasn't helped one iota (duh!). Nothing helps. So I just need to put one foot in front of the other and eat some fruit I guess. I don't know that tomorrow is the best day to force the issue though. Maybe Friday.

Derailed

2007-11-17T08:09:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, it seems from the blogosphere that things were going so well, but the last few days have been rough for two specific reasons. One, fruit gets old. I mean, it's really not my favorite food, not even close. In fact, after eating it almost exclusively for weeks, it becomes just about one of my least favorite foods. Yesterday afternoon, I once again got to the point that I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I would throw up if I ate more fruit. How do you get around that on the 80-10-10 diet?? So I jumped ship, at least momentarily.

The other thing -- the real clincher for my decision -- is that all is not rosy with my endocrine system. Although I had thought that my worsening the last time I stuck this thing out for 10 days or so was due to a missing dose of my thyroid meds some time before, now I'm not so sure. Although I feel good in some ways -- clearer (but still bad) skin, feeling strong -- my energy has been plummeting once again. My feet, hands, and now forearms are cold, like there's no circulation there anymore. I'm having to sleep in progressively more blankets every night. It feels like a slow death, and like this "perfect diet solution" just isn't. Once again, I'm getting worse, not better.

One theory is that this diet is lacking in some essential nutrient that is out of balance in my system. Well, maybe not that it's lacking per se, but it's lacking in the amounts that I need it, due to my imbalance. But it could have nothing to do with that. It could be simply that nothing I do, NOTHING, will even touch this thing, that I'll just have to deal with this constant downward spiral for the rest of my life. Sounds depressing, but I have to accept that possibility. The one other possibility is that it's the coffee that's having a bad effect, but I actually kind of doubt that that's it based on past experience. Still, it's something I might try.

But back to the hatred of fruit, I really can't figure out how to get around that one. The just eat more idea kind of backfires here.

In case you're wondering, I had a low fat cooked vegan meal of stir fry, brown rice, and tofu, and enjoyed it immensely. It sure beat bananas, for the meantime.

Where to go from here???

Persimmon standoff averted ... for now

2007-11-14T17:10:00.001-08:00

Yesterday afternoon it was fruit, fruit everywhere and not a bite to eat. Rock hard persimmons, green bananas, the list goes on. I even resorted to eating a not-quite-ripe banana since I didn't have much else. (I also had some tangerines and dates, but wanted a teensy bit of variety after eating them in the earlier part of the day.) Bad idea. I got an upset stomach for the rest of the day, so much so that yoga was out of the question. I guess I can't do starchy bananas anymore.

Today I was so fed up with it that I went down to Berkeley Bowl, the neighborhood produce market, to see what they had. I did strike gold in that they had ripe hachiya persimmons 3 for $1, so I bought about 18. I tied the two bags of them onto the side of the stoller and walked home. By the time I got home about a quarter of them were oozing all over the bag, and I picked out the smooshiest ones and sat down for a feast with my two-year-old. He's learning English, you see, and this was a perfect opportunity to practice the word "mess", which he said about 20 times. (He didn't actually eat any of it, just played with it, and had a ball!) I can't eat many of those things. About four was all I could manage, which kept me for a few hours. I was stuffed.

The bad news it that I feel like garbage now, thanks to that time of the month. Looks like my absence of cramps last month was just a flash in the pan, at least for now. What with that, I must say that when you're not feeling well, it really ain't easy eating all that fruit. You know, I'd just love something quicker right now, that requires less chewing, that's heavier faster.

As for the cravings, they're coming and going at this point. Generally speaking, the last few days I've just had the constant slight-annoyance factor, like I still don't really like this, but it's not so awful that I have to do anything about it anymore. Still, there are occasional moments when I get slammed with a sudden, overpowering craving for something, but thus far -- in recent days anyway -- they have passed almost as fast.

Sarah, of the 811 blogosphere, commented recently that I need to eat more fruit. Point well taken, but I would also hope that I can one day get to the point that, no matter how hungry I get, I don't want to eat garbage. Filling myself up on some kind of fruit, whatever that is, will not change the fact that at this point when I'm hungry I still crave anything-other-than-fruit. Sarah's right though, and I really think she needs to have a stern conversation with my bananas and persimmons!

Ode to coffee & those pesky persimmons

2007-11-13T08:40:00.000-08:00

Ho hum, another fruity day! I just realized that I'm getting far enough into this that I actually have to start thinking about what day I'm on (9) with my current dietary iteration. I'm a total coffee FIEND right now (sorry, to all you purists), but I'm really trying to focus on getting over the food cravings right now -- which are definitely calming -- and then I'll deal with the headache of getting over the coffee. My husband and I have a trip -- NO KIDS! -- planned for Portland at the end of the month, and I feel like I need at least one crutch to get through that. Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone, eh??

The persimmons are just killing me lately! They are the laziest, most stubborn fruit I have ever seen in my life! I swear all they do is just sit on the windowsill, casually soaking up gallon after gallon of sweet sunshine, absolutely refusing to ripen. I have about 40 of them, all over the place, and I get like one ripe one a day. What a joke! I'm going to starve at this rate! I think the persimmons need some coffee too: Speed them up a little, you know! They have a cruel sense of humor too, because they taste so good when they're fully ripe. I guess that's why they're orange and come to life around Halloween time, sick things!

Speaking of the cruelty of persimmons, I forgot to mention that I think my last post was actually made possible by this slow ripening, as the persimmons I used were not at their most luscious, gooey, smooshy stage, but just before this stage, therefore more starchy, thus providing the gelatinous, adhesive quality so crucial to childhood fun.

I've been having some issues around fully letting go of condiments, in the form of something, anything! on my evening salad. I've been doing about a tablespoon of olive oil usually, plus maybe a dash (very small though) of balsamic vinegar or nama-shame-on-you (that's nama shoyu -- unpasteurized soy sauce -- to the unitiated). But I have to say that I'm making huge progress, so I'm really trying not to get too hung up on my "imperfections", as I do feel I'll be able to either work on this actively at a later stage, or it will just come naturally. You must remember that I cook for my family, and then sit down and eat my salad (joy of absolute joys!), smelling all their culinary delights all the while. Last night, for example, I made homemade vegan tacos, by taking a gluten roast I had made the other night, putting it in the food processor to make "taco meat", then adding Mexican spices and cooking that. I made homemade tortillas too. As you can guess this all smells absolutely disgusting! No, honestly, I wasn't quite as sucked into the gorgeous smell of it as I would have been a few days ago, so I was able to just let it go.

I am reareading the book The China Study. If you haven't read it, it's a must-read. It's not about raw food, per se, but about the benefits of a plant-based diet. I have decided that although it's unrealistic for me to turn my whole family into staunch raw foodists -- which is not my intention or desire right now -- I do think veering toward veganism is a must. Not necessarily a thou-shalt-not-ever kind of veganism, but a this-is-what-we-do-in-the-home kind of veganism. Gary, my husband, is not such a cheese freak anyway, so it really wouldn't be too difficult with a small amount of effort and creativity on my part (need a vegan cookbook, for one: Any recommendations??).

Off to graze on some bananas ...

Persimmon fun for kids

2007-11-11T15:12:00.000-08:00

I made this interesting accidental discovery the other day. If you blend fuyu persimmons in a Vita Mix (not sure if another blender would work or not) and leave the mixture to sit for a couple hours, it sets into a jello-like consistency. Why?? No idea. I had forgotten to pick up my persimmon smoothie off the kitchen counter when I went to pick up my son from preschool, and when I returned I had to bang on the bottom of the cup to extract my erstwhile drink.

That fostered the idea of making fun shapes for kids -- desserts, if you will -- out of blended fuyus. I made these two lovely creations (photo above) using sand molds. You could also do something with cookie cutters. I also added some cinnamon and a tad of honey, but plain-old persimmons work great too.

Yesterday, despite this kitchen creativity, was a difficult day. At one point I thought I just couldn't take it anymore, and was literally counting minutes, looking at the clock, thinking, "Can I make it another minute?". This was not, as you may have guessed, a strategy which brought me much relief from my cravings. I just wasn't feeling satisfied. I did end up having a whole avocado on my salad in the evening (the alternative would have been something like pasta, I figured). I still felt like I had a bottomless pit for a stomach, and was quite irritable. Then I added a couple bananas, a few plums, and some dates to my meal, and, hallelujah! then I felt passable, making it through the night.

Today I've felt pretty good. My good moments still are not necessarily a walk in the park: I don't want to be eating fruit at meals, I really don't, but I'm glad that if I eat enough of it my my mental chatter seems to soften slightly.

I really want to make it through the initial withdrawal this time. It's a doozy. I have never in my life actually not had food cravings, so it's hard for me to imagine what that might be like. I would love to get there, and I'm trying as hard as I can right now to pay the price of admission.

The Chemistry of Food Addiction

2007-11-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

I know what you're probably thinking: That the wagon I was on rode off into the sunset, me nowhere on it, since I haven't posted in so long! Actually, to the contrary, things are going well, dietarily speaking. I have been playing sole-childcare person in my family this week, with DH away on business, so between that and my day job (part-time contractor for a small non-profit), I haven't had time for anything extraneous like keeping you all apprised of my life, no matter how much I have wanted to.

I managed to come down with a cold yesterday, nonetheless, the same one my kids have. However, it came on last night and is practically gone already, at 2:00 the next day, so I really can't complain. I will post sometime about my thoughts on the germ theory that so many raw fooders reject.

I've been doing a ton of reading on the notion of food addiction. As I've said before, I think I'm definitely addicted. The FA meeting I attended last week inspired me to think deeper about the culprit being refined carbohydrates, and I do think that this is part of the equation, but not the whole story. What do I crave? Cheese, cheese, more cheese, yogurt, pizza, paneer (that's Indian cheese!), fried things at restaurants, and did I say cheese? Mostly fatty stuff, heavy on the dairy. Now, if I'm eating sugar, I do build up a craving for it fairly quickly, however, it also passes fairly quickly when I lay off it, so I don't see this as my personal biggest downfall. So what's the explanation?

This is where it gets really interesting.

I read this book last week called The Anatomy of a Food Addiction by Anne Katherine, MA. While I didn't find the entire book useful or relevant to me personally, I found her summary of the addiction process very enlightening. Here is a summary of the some of the various theories of food addiction, which I gleaned from that book:

The ingestion of carbohydrates raises blood sugar, which raises insulin level, which causes an artificially high level of the amino acid tryptophan to cross the blood brain barrier. (The insulin causes the other amino acids in the food to enter the muscles, instead of crossing the blood brain barrier, as would normally happen, thereby allowing more tryptophan to enter.) Tryptophan in the brain causes the release of serotonin, which makes you feel groovy. All that cheese I love is high in tryptopan, and eating it in conjunction with carbohydrates can cause this effect. Now, what I think is so interesting about this theory, from an 811 standpoint, is that the high levels of fat, according to Dr. Graham, also would raise the blood sugar by trapping the sugar in the bloodstream, thereby causing the same end result -- feeling groovy. Maybe this is why I crave fat, and especially dairy. Furthermore, higher blood sugar has also been shown to increase the number and sensitivity of brain opiate receptors, so maybe it's a roller coaster that once you're on, it's hard to get off (especially if you're a sensitive type like me and you like to feel groovy). That's why I HATE THIS withdrawal so much I guess. :-)

Another interesting factoid is that eating sugar/starch triggers the secretion of beta-endorphins, which stimulate appetite, which cause you to eat more sugar and starch. And on and on. Your body becomes dependent on these opiates. Hence the FA meetings. Dr. Graham would definitely say you don't become dependent on anything bad for you, and, technically speaking, he's right. But, your mind -- in a non-thinking, chemical kind of way -- sure can make you THINK your body's dependent on them, and who am I to argue with beta-endorphins after all!

Wow! So now I think I'm getting it. Step One of any 12-step program is "admitting you are powerless over ____________." I always "balked" (to use a 12-step word) at this "SAY IT! SAY IT!" approach to improving my life. What I'm trying to do right now is not to admit but just to understand, which doesn't have that horrible you've-finally-seen-the-light connotation to it. What I am understanding is that everyone else doesn't have this relationship to food, at least maybe not as strong, and I'm starting to recognize the wily, dastardly mechanism of it, and in that knowledge I am slowly breaking free. Or maybe it's just that I'm like most people, but for whatever reason am not comfortable with my desires.

I have to admit one thing though: I have not been fully abstinent since my last post, as I think I fell off for a day or so after. But I'm abstinent now, and have been these last 5 days, according to my getting-closer-each-day-to-811 rules (described in previous post). Furthermore, I don't feel as crazy as I did those first 10 days. I think what happened there, as I theorized at the time, is that missing one dose (yes, one teensy dose) of my thyroid medication really whacked me out for a few days. I can't do that right now. (Hopefully some day I'll be able to miss 365 doses without a hitch.)

I went to the Richmond Farmer's Market today and bought 13 pounds of fuyu persimmons for $1/lb. (As I was paying I saw another stall that had them for $.50/lb. Oh well!) I've been eating them like crazy. The also had plums and I bought a bunch of them. I should be pretty set for the next few days.

Czech this out ...

2007-11-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

So I go to yoga last night after a fruit meal and a few hours of abstinence under my belt, and the instructor tells us, as an afterthought toward the end of the class, that the 2008 International Yoga Asana Champtionship - Bishnu Charan Ghosh Cup is coming up, and that the regional competition for Northern California will take place on January 5. Suddenly, I was seized with a desire to compete. That's two months away. Not enough time to come anywhere close to winning anything but self-assurance and renewed zest for life, but hey, that would be more than enough for now. I think, as long as I'm not getting too overzealous to the point that I injure myself (something I have learned with my knee issues to be ever mindful of) that it would be a great opportunity to remind myself that I am still a part of the human race, and can still live a joyful life.

I came home and told Gary, my husband, and, after he joked around a bit about how a "yoga competition" was such a contradiction of terms ("Not according to Bikram," I said), he said he thought I should do it, that it would be good for me. We talked about it and agreed that if I'm going to consider it I should start going to class every other day for the next few weeks, and then build up to every day. Now I haven't decided whether I'm definitely going to do this or not, and I think to some extent it's dependent on what my body says over the next few weeks, as I'm still nursing some ligament/tendon "issues". I need to find out when the last day is to register for the competition. It's food for thought though, and it's definitely piqued my curiosity.

I ordered Doug Graham's On Nutrition and Physical Performance and, interestingly, that arrived yesterday, outlining step-by-step how to achieve maximum physical performance and recovery, just in time for me possibly needing to achieve maximum physical performance and recovery. (Funny, that!)

The wagon is moving, and I'm hanging on the back!

2007-11-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

Whew! Glad that's over! It has become so clear to me over the last few days of feeling out of control when it comes to food that what I'm dealing with truly is an addiction. What it's an addiction to, I'm not quite sure (something in the food vs. the behavior vs. both), but I really don't care what it is, and I don't have to understand it. What is important is that I have made the decision for now, this moment, not to engage in that behavior that is like dark clouds over the blue skies of my soul; I'm taking the giant blower of opposite activity and gradually blowing them away.

I went to a Food Addicts in Recovery (FA) meeting the other night. It's a 12-step offshoot of Overeaters Anonymous (OA). Some years back I went to FA meetings for a month or two. I had an unbearably atrocious sponsor and just felt crazier and crazier as the time went on, so I gave it up. I also have some minimal experience with OA, which seemed to be a group of people who couldn't deal with life, but who wanted me to put all my decisions into their hands (yeah, right!). I have been cynical to say the least about 12-step programs over the years, FA and OA included. However, it is very clear to me that each of these programs works for some, as far as helping people to release the grip on their food addictions. From what I have personally witnessed, FA has a much higher success rate than OA. I attribute that both to a very simple, clear-cut food plan as well as to FA's close-knit community.

I went to FA the other night without the intention of getting a sponsor or following their food plan. I went to gather information, namely, what it is that's working for these people. I didn't get a chance to speak to too many people myself, but I do have some more solidified ideas of what works after hearing people speak during the meeting, namely:

A defined notion of abstinence. (The definition of an "ideal raw food diet" varies amongst raw enthusiasts, even in raw sub-genres, i.e. 811ers vs. "eat-anything-as-long-as-it's-raw-ers" vs. fruitarians, etc.)
A community of people who have similar feelings and behaviors around food. (I haven't found this in raw circles yet, but, rather, a spectrum of behaviors/beliefs about food, some of which I agree with, some of which I find highly suspect.)
A support system within that community. (I have not always found the raw community supportive; not that it doesn't exist, but the support is not systematized/defined.)
Continued reinforcement of the positive behavior in the form of community meetings. (Doesn't exist due to the above.)
Having another person (sponsor) who you commit your program to. (See above.)
A daily meditation/spiritual practice/quiet time. (Ok, if I haven't always done this, that's my fault! :-) )

I would love love love it if I found a support system within the raw community. I mean, something more than a bunch of people talking about how "toxic" cooked food is. Yeah, I know it can be toxic, but it still calls to me, and that's the issue that needs dealing with.

I spoke to a wonderful friend of mine this afternoon who is in FA, and who has been abstinent in that program for over five years. She has given me some supportive insight, which has helped me to define my own abstinence (in the absence of a systematic support system to do it for me):

Unlimited raw fruits and vegetables, eating no more than 4 times per day.
A daily caloric intake of at least 1800 calories (may go down if I get smaller). I have a problem of not eating enough when I'm eating 811.
Limited fats (1 handful of nuts, 1 tbsp oil, or 1/2 an avocado).
Black tea and coffee are ok for now (my biggest problem is with food right now, and I need to get past that first).

Per the above structure, I have been abstinent for 2.5 hours, but, hey, that's something! My red bananas are nicely ripe, and I'm moving forward. Yeah!

P.S. That cheese I was eating a few days ago was gross!

Rethinking the day

2007-10-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

My fantastic friend Ela just left today, and I've been pondering where to go from here with this diet. It's apparent to me after the last few days that I can't eat crap forever! It makes me feel yuck, and a different, more useless kind of yuck than what I was feeling on 80/10/10. My skin is worse, and I feel a bit crazy. I suppose I may just have to accept on some level though that "yuck" is going to describe me for awhile, even on the 80/10/10 path.

My husband commented something about that with Ela here it was a perfect opportunity for me to eat raw food, and why did I falter? But thinking about it -- and this is something I've noticed with myself before, like at potlucks and whatnot -- that being around other raw food people can actually trigger me to eat cooked food, probably because I get freaked out by the "severity" of the diet. It scares me for some reason. I think I'm only just beginning to understand this. And that feeling at the same time that I was dealing with a thyroid flare-up I think set me off kilter.

So tomorrow I'm back on the "80/10/10 (almost)" bandwagon. I think I'm going to add a bit more fat starting out and see if that makes a difference with the cravings, as an interim gesture. I've also decided I'm not going to post my food, but may mention it. It's too much effort to track it and I don't have the time, and I also worry a bit about the psychological aspects that can accompany such obsessive tracking: It could drive a wooden woman crazy! (That was one of my Texan grandmother's old sayings.) I also NEED to try to eat more calories. I think that was messing me up too.

Mmmm! Cooked food tastes SOOOO GOOOD! :-)

2007-10-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here's the deal ... I'm thinking of renaming this blog to "Blue Skies Within: The definitive guide to the 80/10/10 high fat raw vegan omnivore diet"! Tee hee hee! Well, that's been my wacky life in the last couple days anyway, and I need to find humor in the experience somewhere.

I think intellectually where I'm having a great deal of difficulty is that it seems to me that if this was going to help with my cravings that they should get less over time, not keep getting worse. It was not comfortable the first 3 or so days, but manageable; then my cravings subsided a bit; then, right around the time that my thyroid started getting worse, my cravings got worse. I think I was craving fat the most. Couldn't stomach the thought of fruit. It just wasn't satisfying me AT ALL. I've been eating loads of fatty things over the last few days and feeling really imbalanced, although I've been not quite as fried feeling since yesterday. Yet it seems to me a bit of a "which came first" scenario, where I can't tell how things are related to each other, if at all. Am I feeling imbalanced just because the thyroid is on its usual down-slope (unrelated at present to the diet), or is something with the diet making me feel more imbalanced because it's stimulating an already-over-stimulated immune system? Doug Graham says your system will never turn on itself like that if you're doing everything right, but I'm not so sure.

It could be that my thyroid is going to keep declining no matter what I do. I don't want to be pessimistic, and haven't necessarily accepted this as definite truth, but I think I have accepted it as possibility. I could live with that -- taking medicine every day -- if I could just ever feel normal again. Unfortunately, I question whether it's ever possible to feel normal if you have to rely on a once-or-more-a-day pill to do something your body should do intuitively.

One of my biggest inspirations on this path is Richard Blackman. I really want to get in great shape like he is. In fact, I got out my Practical Approach to Strength Training book (by Matt Brzycki) last weekend. It's an excellent excellent book that turned me on to strength training some years back (pre-raw) and enabled me to train my upper body for the first time in my life. Since having kids and having issues around pelvic instability (resulting in my knee injuries) I have not been strength training. But this weekend I reviewed that book and got a list of exercises I can do with my free weights and weight bench (stashed out-of-sight-out-of-mind in the attic for the last 4 years), and I'm anxious to get started.

Despite the dietary and health setback, I still managed to take up running this weekend. I've never been much of an endurance runner due to collapsed arches in my feet which take the spring out of my step, but I can manage shorter distances. Yesterday I put on my running shoes and ran about a mile, slow - ly, and it felt good. I think it may have helped somewhat with my energy, maybe because it stimulates the adrenals. I went again today, baby in stroller, and he giggled all the way.

I bought some raw cheese today. While I don't necessarily see that as an ideal food by any means, I'm wondering if I need to ease into this more. I really want to succeed at this long-term, but maybe I just can't handle doing things too rapidly. If I ate some cheese or some other kind of fat for the first few weeks or a month, maybe it wouldn't seem so drastic, and it wouldn't be the end of the world either. Pondering that ...

Day 12, sort of ...

2007-10-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am very very down today because it is apparent to me that my thyroid is crashing again. I have felt that horrible hypothyroid fried feeling for the last 3-4 days, and today I have just been crying on and off from the frustration of it. Plus, now the depression is setting in (another symptom of hypothyroid) as well as irritability and edginess. It's difficult when it doesn't seem to matter what I do, how well I try to take care of myself. I just get worse, no matter what. I had a blood draw yesterday and feel sure that I need an increase in dosage on my thyroid meds.

So today I could no longer, under the circumstances, face eating a mountain of fruit over the course of 45 minutes. I opted for a peanut butter sandwich, which took about 5. I'll be feeling like garbage here for the next few days (the medication, even once I get it, takes at least a week to even notice it), and when I don't have energy to function, I'm not sure I'll have energy for the 80/10/10 path for the next few days.

For those of you who know nothing of hypothyroid, I can tell you with certainty that what I'm dealing with now is not detox. It's a systemic imbalance, and a feeling I know only too well.

I haven't totally given up on this, and intend to continue this blog, but with my thyroid hormone levels plummeting and my body screaming for fat intake as my feet and hands get colder and colder, something has got to give. I suppose I didn't really think this would be a smooth ride, but I didn't expect to continue to worsen.

I will probably post again sometime next week. Wish me luck in stabilizing.

Day 11: Ouch, this hurts!

2007-10-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

I don't have time right now for a long post, but wanted to take a couple minutes to give an update. I'm still on track but am not liking this one iota I tell you! My good friend Ela is visiting for a few days, staying at my house.She has been raw for 5 or more years, with a great deal of time doing the 80/10/10 version, so she's also helping to keep me accountable.

One thing that I do want to clarify for the wider audience is that, while I am definitely attempting to do the 80/10/10 diet, meaning 80% carbs, 10% fat, and 10% protein, I am not claiming to do it "perfectly" or to do it to the letter of anyone else's recommendations (i.e. Dr. Graham's or anyone else's), although I do view respectfully some of these more experienced viewpoints. I see this as a process of seeing what works for me. It may be that some things, such as juicing or balsamic vinegar, are not the most healthy things (I'll blog more about juicing at some point), but I may choose to partake in such activities at times if it keeps me from going down to the curry house or the taqueria, for example. In other words, while I do appreciate respectful insight, I am doing this for myself, ultimately. I am also hoping that I can be a guinea pig, so to speak, for others who are trying to heal autoimmune hypothyroid in particular. So, just to preempt some comments I feel might be coming, I'm fully aware that:

Honey is not considered vegan by many folks, since it is essentially bee slavery.
Honey is a concentrated sweetener.
Dr. Graham doesn't recommend juicing.
Sweet fruit and nuts can prove to be a bad combination.
Some people eschew eating more than two (or three, or four, whatever -- depends who you talk to) times per day.
Tea is a cooked, processed food.
Balsamic vinegar and olive oil are devil's spawn.
High fat raw will probably kill me. :-) (Can't say I'll never have it again, and, indeed it may be imminent.)

There, I said it, and I hope you can all still find some love for me!

Today's Stats:

Food:
Spearmint tea with honey
3 bananas
3 peaches, 2 plums
(More to come ...)

Day 10

2007-10-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

Today's Stats:
Food:

Spearmint tea with honey
Smoothie: 16 oz. strawberries, 4 dates, 1.5 asian pears, 2 bananas
1 red banana, 3 satsumas
3 bananas
Salad of 1 head of romaine, 1/2 cup tomato, 3 brazil nuts, 1 tbsp olive oil, 1 tsp balsamic vinegar

Day 9: But there are some good aspects to this! :-)

2007-10-24T14:03:00.001-07:00

Just thought I'd give a little cheer for some of the good things that are happening as a result of this experiment.

My skin, which has plagued me for some time now, is starting to regain its moisture and to clear up.
I'm gaining some muscle from the exercising I'm doing.
My knees are WAY improved (from my 4-year-old tendinitis) from what they were several weeks ago. I attribute that to both my physical therapy exercises that I'm doing as well as the diet, which is perhaps reducing the inflammation a bit.
I've lost about 5 pounds.
My cravings are actually less, yes, I said it. But they're still there. I think it's OK as long as I'm not putting myself in harm's way...

Like last night ... I made a homemade pizza for my family. I've gotten very good at homemade pizza just recently -- within the last 6 months -- and pizza's one of my faves. I made it last night because I didn't feel like messing with anything and it's pretty quick and easy. (For all you diehard 811ers out there, no, my family's not raw. I do give my kids tons of fruit and veggies, but they're basically lactos.) I knew when I made the decision to make pizza that I would just need to leave. Sauce of sundried tomatoes homemade from our garden, with fresh oregano, basil and rosemary. Yum. I thought to myself, "You haven't actually announced that blog to the world yet, just have the pizza!" But I didn't. I left instead.

I've been frustrated with my energy level because I feel my thyroid dipping again. I missed a dose by mistake last week, so that may be part of it; maybe it's catching up with me. But then I'm scared that, with an autoimmune inflammation, if I improve my immune system maybe it will attack my thyroid more and continue the decline. I think I just have to take a wait-and-see approach now.

Today's Stats:
Food:

Peppermint tea with honey
Smoothie: 16 oz strawberries, 4 dates, 3 bananas
1 cup red grapes and 4 red bananas
2.5 cups red grapes
2 red bananas, about 6 sticks of celery
2 green kiwis, 1 gold kiwi, 3 bites of a tasteless avocado, about 8 walnut halves

Day 8: Food history

2007-10-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have had an annoying relationship with food ever since my early teens. As a kid I don't remember being overly interested much in food, and I was a teensy kid. But as I went into my teens, that's when the food cravings hit. I don't still understand it, what the trigger was. It might have had something to do with becoming acutely aware of my body image and trying to control it; I was quite involved in ballet, taking about 3 classes a week at age 14. By age 16 or 17 I was taking 12 classes a week. The ballet world is truly a breeding ground for eating disorders. All of the best dancers in my class (who went on to attend top-notch ballet schools and to dance professionally) had either anorexic tendencies or were bullemic. I remember being chastised by the teacher, who told me -- at 110 pounds and 5'2" -- that I could stand to lose a few pounds. I was very sensitive about feeling "fat" as a teen because I was no longer in the double digits, and was very clueless about what to do about it even if I did want to lose weight. One time I went on a broccoli, snickers bar, and coke diet (the drink, not the powder!) for a week. I was eating so little that I lost weight, but I was a raving lunatic the whole time too.

During my teens I had strange eating habits in general, even when I wasn't sticking to a regimen. I remember eating tons of cereal and yogurt. By high school I pretty much did my own thing, food wise. Not that everything I ate was awful, but I remember especially loving pepperoni pizza (I ate an entire large Domino's pizza one summer day on a dare when I was 18). I also loved fast food: Taco Bell nachos, McDonald's hamburgers and fries. I haven't had those things in years, but they can still make my mouth water.

I've been lacto -vegetarian since 1992. I had an old friend who I had recently seen after a long period of time who had become vegetarian, and I was inspired by the idea. A few days later I literally decided overnight to stop eating meat. I only wanted it for about a month, and then I was fine. I never noticed any difference from going vegetarian. None whatsoever.

Over the years I have tried going cooked food vegan from time to time, but I was never inspired to stick to it for very long since I didn't feel substantially better and always craved cheese and other dairy. I'm not one who's prone to allergies, for example, so I never had anything I was trying to solve through diet (apart from losing a very few pounds), until more recently.

I think I've always really been searching for truth in the diet arena, because I've always, since I became aware of such issues, felt that something was wrong, that the food cravings I had were not good and normal. Now I definitely feel it's addiction. But I'm not going to take the standard raw food approach and say that everyone's addicted to cooked food. That may be true on some level, but, quite frankly, my husband doesn't seem to care if he eats or not half the time (and in fact often just doesn't eat, which I find truly baffling). But for me, although I'm not necessarily totally out of control, to some extent I feel controlled by food, and I don't like it. I also feel that I'm always trying to exert control over food, something that "should" be natural and easy, not like how I experience it. If I could be over my food cravings (is that even possible??) life would be so much simpler.

I don't like feeling like there's some kind of annoying void in my life just because I can't have ___________ (fill in the blank with whatever my current craving is) when I'm hungry. But that's what I feel like right now at least some of the time. I want it to end once and for all, and I'm willing to stick it out to see if it passes. Thinking about that, I was reading one of Sarah's old posts yesterday and she said for the newbies that you have to be patient with this diet, and I'm so trying to do that.

In thinking about this blog, there's a part of me that wants to be really upbeat, you know, "Yeah, go 811 raw!" But there are a couple things that keep me from that: 1) That's obviously not truthful to my experience, and 2) If I ever can get through this -- and I hope and pray that I can -- I would like to show others with similar issues that just because it's difficult and horrible feeling at times doesn't mean you won't get there; that, in fact, the feelings you have along the way do not determine the outcome, only your determination at overcoming.

Today's Stats:
Food:

7 red bananas
1 asian pear
Smoothie of 24 oz. strawberries, 1 red banana, 1.5 tangerines, 2/3 asian pear, 5 dates
6 dates
Salad of 1 head of butterleaf lettuce, with dressing from 2 stalks of celery and 1.5 cups of tomato
Smoothie made of 2 sticks of celery and two bananas (one of Sarah's recommended combos, but ICK! I hated it!)

Exercise: walk around a small lake (about a mile)
Weights and physical therapy
Bikram yoga class

Day 7: Keeping the momentum

2007-10-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was really hard. I went to a party at my dad's house for all the people in my family who have Fall birthdays, including me. I had a nice time seeing everyone, and my 2 boys (ages 2 and 4) had a good time, but at this point in my 811 adventure (abbreviation for 80/10/10) it is not fun to go watch people eat a whole bunch of stuff that looks really yummy, like pasta with cheese sauce and chocolate cake. I wasn't really tempted, meaning I didn't ever think of eating it, no, but it was not a nice feeling, because it did look really good. I was very good in that I brought plenty of my own food to get me through it.

It's also hard because I feel that people don't really understand how I've come to the choice I have in diet. I feel like people think I'm just kind of nutty (no pun intended). Not that people are not supportive, because they are. But I think there's this all-pervasive feeling in our culture that if someone with an MD tells you that you're "incurable" that you're silly to think otherwise, and you're definitely silly if you think what you eat, more than anything else, affects your disease state. It does feel a lot like paddling upstream, but I've chosen my own boat, and I'm not getting out at this point.

Funny thing, I decided to eat more fat than usual at that party meal since my fat consumption has been about 6-8% for the last week. Decided to have some pine nuts, avocado, and a tad bit of olive oil on my salad. By the time I got to the bottom, where most of the pine nuts were, I looked at them and could not eat another bite, I felt so grossed out from all the fat. That was a surprise, especially considering how much I enjoyed that pound of Indian cheese I ate last week!

I had a teensy bit of balsamic vinegar on that salad too. Figured it was better than the chocolate cake, especially at this early in the game. I'm still clinging pretty tightly to my tea too. I love a warm drink in the morning, so I'm not ready to let this go just yet.

My mom asked me today if I ever thought I would go back to eating the other way. I said I really can't say at this point, but that I've definitely decided to give this one a good whirl before I give up. One day at a time, as they say, and I can't do more than that right now.

I've had a bout of feeling sleepy today, something that always frightens me a bit: I wonder whether I'm normal-sleepy, detox-sleepy, or sick-sleepy. I think there's a part of me that is scared that this drastic change in diet won't even touch my problems, but it's too early to make that determination.

Today's Stats
Weight: 112.0 (-3.8)
Body Fat: 22.4% (-1.2%)
Hydration: 53.1% (+.6%)
Food:

Peppermint tea with honey
2 bananas
Smoothie of 1 lb strawberries with 2 dates
4 red bananas
1.5 cups sliced tomato, 3 gold kiwis (yum, never had those before!)

Exercise: Bikram yoga class, physical therapy exercises

Day 6 - No time to post!

2007-10-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Today's Stats
Food:

Peppermint tea with honey
3 red bananas, 1 asian pear, 1 cup grapes
2 bananas, 1.5 cups grapes
Salad (1 romaine heart, 1/2 avocado, 1 tsp balsamic vinegar, 1 handful pine nuts), 2 tangerines

Day 5: Feeling more balanced

2007-10-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to yoga and noticed something interesting. I always, and I do mean always, used to have this horrid ammonia sweat smell that would seep into my yoga clothes and towel. According to one online source, an ammonia sweat smell comes from the breakdown of amino acids for energy; in other words, when you're not getting enough carbs. I had tried eating some time before class before, but it's a tricky balance (if you're eating anything other than fruit, that is) if you don't want a full stomach. Well, guess what? Last night, no ammonia smell. Another thing sorted out that I hadn't even thought of. I can't argue with that. AND my energy was really good and I did everything in a manner consistent with my current physical (i.e. recuperating) state.

I thought I'd talk a little more about what got me on this path, and I mean what really got me here, i.e. illness. Because I really don't think I would be doing this today if I hadn't gotten as ill as I had. It was about a year and a half ago and my youngest son was about a year old. I was constantly tired, something I didn't notice right away since, well, isn't every mother of a one-year-old who has to wake up a million times at night to feed and change a baby? But this was different. I would sleep 10 hours and still need a nap a few hours later, and, as my mother can tell you, I don't nap. I hate napping. Always have, even now. Can't stand it. So this was not at all normal. Eventually I relented and went to the doctor. I wanted tests. Thought I had a nutritional deficiency or something.

The doctor office called a few weeks later and said they wanted me to come in to go over my results, that they couldn't tell me over the phone but that it was not a big deal. (Not a big deal???? I don't know what kind of crack they're smoking!) So I was told I had low thyroid. My TSH (that's thyroid stimulating hormone, a pituitary hormone) registered 8.75, when it should be about 1. She wrote out a prescription, but I wasn't ready for that yet. She told me my "levels weren't so high" that I couldn't try some alternative treatments such as acupuncture. I took the scrip and said I'd look into it.

I was not immediately convinced of the wisdom of taking the synthetic hormone. I did acupuncture, and messed with my diet a bit, trying to stick to raw food (the anything-you-want variety) and felt a bit better. I used the lab order they had given me at the last visit and had another test. The results, I thought, were somewhat encouraging, as my TSH was down to 6.2 or thereabouts. I continued what I was doing for another few months, but couldn't seem to feel much better. I called the doctor office to get another lab order, but they wouldn't give it to me without seeing the doctor.

I went in and this time it was the doctor who met with me. To make a long story short she raked me over the coals for not taking the medication, and acted hostile to the notion of me getting another opinion. She was downright mean, and I still think that's no way to treat a sick person with a legitimate mistrust of pharmaceutical companies. Plus, she seemed to be clueless as to my original conversation with the RN (who, interestingly, was no longer at that office). One of the things that sticks out most in my mind about this horrible visit was that she said, arms crossed defensively on her chest, "Oh! You've got VERY little chance of being able to recover from this on your own." How positive! That was Monday, and on Wednesday I got a letter from Missy MD who felt I would be better served by another doctor. Gee, no kidding!!

I found another doctor who was sympathetic to my concerns. By the way, I was not necessarily opposed to the idea of taking pharmaceuticals; I just needed to be fully convinced for myself that it was a last resort and that I was making my own decision to do that. I tried managing it myself for a couple more months, and then couldn't take it anymore, and finally relented, starting generic Synthroid thyroid hormone at 75 mcg. (By the way, once you start thyroid hormone, generally your dose is not decreased, and I'm currently on 100/112 mcg). My new, good, doctor ran some more tests and finally established that my problem appeared to be autoimmune in nature.

So for about 8 months I felt like I only slept about 2 hours a night. I was so tired that if I drove down to my dad's house with the kids for an afternoon (about an hour away), I would sometimes have to take a nap down there before returning home or risk crashing on the freeway. I felt like I had black holes behind my eyes, and I would get recurrent boils on my face and neck (still happening to some extent). My skin was constantly dry, and I just couldn't get enough sleep. I would yell at my kids when I just couldn't handle all the things that young kids do to try your nerves.

The medication helped, but, as I've mentioned, I've had to keep increasing the dose. Hopefully I'm stabilizing for now, but it's been a really rough ride. Basically I have hardly felt normal since Spring 2006. And the meds have not solved everything. My skin is still less than good, and, when I'm not eating this way, my energy is still unreliable.

But I have refused to give up on the idea that there is a way out of this lifelong dependence on Big Pharma. I knew to find the way out, I had to make major changes, and, quite frankly, when you have no energy, well, it's hard to make major changes. So the meds did help with that. But at my last doctor visit (a new guy -- an endocrinologist who is pretty good by conventional standards) I was told that I may have autoimmune problems with my pituitary and my adrenals. In other words, my whole endocrine system is messed up. That, for me, was the straw that broke the camel's back. I felt very calm and unafraid actually, and just decided, "No, I'm not going to do this anymore." As Bikram Choudhury says, if you want to turn your life around, just turn around and walk the other direction. So for once in my life, just once, that's what I did.

I am tempted to say that I had "no choice" but to do this diet, but that's not true. My choices were to keep on with the traditional approach and continue to watch my health decline, or choose something else, which is what I did. It was a choice. I don't have to do this. I choose to do this. I choose to heal and to learn from that process.

I hope that I can turn around some years hence and say that that diagnosis was one of the best things that ever happened to me, spurring me on to new heights. I'm not quite there yet, but I would love to be able to say that.

As for today, my energy is good and I haven't had really bad cravings, just the standard annoyance factor. My husband's making roast potatoes and Yorkshire pudding tonight (he's English), so I'm going to exit stage left and go to yoga to avoid those wafting scents.

Today's Stats:
Food:

Peppermint tea with honey
About 4 pints of watermelon juice over about an hour (I juiced a bunch of rind since I didn't want to waste it)
3 tangerines
Big bowl of fresh tomato
2 bananas
Handful of grapes
10 g walnuts, 60 g lettuce from garden, 2 kiwis, 2/3 grapefruit (I don't like it, not sure why I had it)

Day 4: Getting slightly better

2007-10-19T13:38:00.000-07:00

I'm doggedly determined about this thing this time around, but, folks, that don't make it fun. I want to be honest here. I'm not feelin' it yet. But, I have faith that this is going to have an upswing at some point. Saying that, I'm not sitting on my hands trying to stay away from the stove, so to speak. I'm fine, perfectly nourished, just hardly excited about it just yet. But who am I kidding? It's gonna take a wee bit longer than 3.5 days to change my life!

Saying that, my energy is pretty good today. Don't need a nap. I feel fine. Good enough to put one foot in front of the other, so I'm grateful for that.

If I continue to feel good I'll go to yoga tonight. I do Bikram yoga and, although I'm struggling to overcome longstanding knee tendinitis I am slowly trying to carefully work back into it, and am having to invent "restorative Bikram yoga" along the way -- not an easy task.

Speaking of my knee injury, I made a list of my ailments, which was actually difficult to do. Took me awhile to remember them all.

My personal train wreck:
Primary:

Hypothyroid (currently taking 112 mcg Synthroid, that's synthetic thyroid hormone)
Hashimoto's thyroiditis (antibodies to my own thyroid -- go figure)
Adrenal fatigue
Pituitary fatigue (not sure if that's what it's called, medically speaking)

Secondary:

Minor rash on stomach
Spaciness, forgetfulness (that's the thyroid)
Slow healing of wounds
Knee tendinitis
Nerve pain in feet
Fungus on left index finger
Dry scalp
Dry skin on face
Red skin on face
Occasional boils on face/neck
Acne
Burgeoning crows feet
Wrinkes on forehead
A few gray hairs
Brittle nails
Collapsed arches in both feet
Pelvic instability/strained psoas muscle
Clicking/pain in wrists
Cramping muscle between thumb & forefinger
Recurrent irritation at earring site
Geographic tongue which comes on when stressed/ill
Strained upper hamstring
Strained adductors
A few pounds additional weight (10?)
Low bladder capacity
Disturbed/light sleep

Man oh man is that dirty laundry or what? But I'm posting it just so that we can see what happens over time.

Today's Stats:
Food:

Peppermint tea with honey
Smoothie of strawberries, banana, dates
2 satsumas, 1.5 bananas, 1 red banana, 1 asian pear
Juice of spinach, carrots, celery
12 g walnuts
3 red bananas, 2 satsumas, 1.5 c watermelon

Day 3: Trudging On

2007-10-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

I am so incredibly tired today. Could hardly wake up this morning. It felt like I had a big bale of cotton stuffed into my brain. I had a headache last night thanks to my coffee overdose yesterday (knew that was coming) and I still have the slight remains of that. The kids want to play and I'm just too groggy to move. The sky outside looks how I feel ... gray.

I've been concerned that I seem to be hungry constantly. Seems like I'm grabbing fruit every hour or two. I'd really like to just eat three or four meals, but that's not happening today. Yesterday it seems like I ate 5 or 6 times. I'll try not to stress about it, because I'm sure my body is adjusting.

Hopefully I'm nearing the end of the initial awful cleanout stage. I'm sure I've got a lot more inner housekeeping to do, but the first few days of anything are always the worst with the withdrawals.

I have an interesting thing to note today, but let me start at the beginning. I've done pretty well eating mostly 80/10/10 raw for about the last month. What I'm counting as Day 1, a few days ago, is the day that, no, I'm really doing this and I will no longer break down and eat a cooked meal. I just won't do it anymore. Well, I started my cycle yesterday, and I wouldn't normally post such things in a blog except that, extremely notably, it was the first time in my life that, unmedicated, I had absolutely no pain from cramping. None. Zilch. That's definitely a new thing.

Today's Stats:
Food:

Peppermint tea with honey (so I'm not a complete purist yet! I'll let this go at some point.)
5 bananas
2 bananas, 1 mango
1 huge tomato from my garden
Juice from about 8 carrots, 1 bunch of spinach, 1 bunch celery
Salad: head of romaine lettuce, 1.5 cups spinach, 3 chopped brazil nuts, 6 chopped dates, 1/2 cup orange juice

Day 1: Freefall ...

2007-10-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

Dear God help me ...

I'm doing this, but not after 3 desperate cups of coffee with cream, now consumed and enjoyed thoroughly. I kept waking up the night after last night's disgustingly heavy dinner (but so yummy), and every time I did I agonized about whether or not I should drink coffee as my final send-off from poor dietary habits. I ultimately concluded that it wouldn't make a difference one year from now, so, brain, just SHUT UP, HAVE it, and MOVE ON!!!! So that's what I did ...

I am scared. How will I ever do this think?? I don't really want to be the odd man out. I don't want to hang out with raw foodists all the time. I have often come home from raw potlucks wanting to vomit, and not from the food: From the sickening self-righteousness and utter lack of compassion I have found at times. I've often had a response, when telling people of the horrible difficulties I have had with cravings, similar to (and I'm dramatizing a bit, but you get the point), "Ew! How could you even TOUCH cooked food. Disgusting, horrible, TOXIC stuff. I, for one, wouldn't even put it on my skin, and I CERTAINLY wouldn't eat it even if it was the ONLY thing left in the whole world to eat! Raw food is the only real food, and it tastes so much better too!" ... my fingers are down my throat right about now. I do concede that maybe ultimately some of this is true, or I wouldn't be starting a blog about trying to follow this path. But this type of treatment, which I have encountered time after time at potlucks and on message boards, I have found to be so insensitive, unproductive, and unhelpful. It certainly never stopped me thinking of pizza, and probably even made me think of it more, as I thought to myself, "Now where would be the least likely place that I will ever see this person again??"

I, for one, am all in favor of understanding and gentle kindness. I want to meet people who have struggled with this, and found the solution, not necessarily just those who believed in it with such unbroken conviction that they never looked back. This is why I was so thrilled to get a post on Doug Graham's message board from Sarah who told me how long it took her to get over her cravings (about 2 months) and introduced me to her wonderful blog about her experience with the 80/10/10 lifestyle (also abbreviated 811 or 811RV (for raw vegan)). Halelujah! There are sane people out there!

Nay, nay, I'm too hard on the raw community. One of my very dearest friends (hi Ela!) is a long-time raw fooder, and she's the greatest. I have a lot of respect for many raw fooders. It's just that the few harsh ones have really spoiled it for me at times, because I'm not one who wants to be uptight and serious all the time.

Funny, just after drafting the above I opened Paramahansa Yogananda's commentary of the Bhagavad Gita and read this: "The yogi, the man of perfect equilibrium, is neither hypersensitive nor stoically heartless" (Verse 30, pp. 240, book I). I can only conclude that many of us -- most of us -- have not yet achieved perfect equilibrium.

I'm off for my colonic -- gotta get rid of that paneer tikka somehow! -- marking the true start of this journey. Wish me luck in this whole endeavor.

Over and out ...

Today's Stats:
Food:

Coffee with 3 tbsp half & half
2 mangos
3 bananas
2 bananas
1 asian pear
Juiced cucumber, spinach, celery
2 kiwis
2 cups grapes

Weight: 115.8
Body fat: 23.6%
Hydration level: 52.5%
(In case you are wondering, I have a Tanita scale which measures this stuff.)

Minus One and Counting

2007-10-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

It's the night before my new adventure. I've been experimenting enough with the 80/10/10 raw diet enough to know that this is the thing that has the greatest potential to turn my life around. I was first introduced to raw foods in 2001. Although I did not at first learn very much about it, the concept resonated strongly with me, as someone who has always battled food addiction and cravings. Sure, raw food is the natural food for humans, I reasoned, but I could never do that.

I've tried the "eat anything as long as it's raw" diet on and off many times, but could never manage it for longer than a couple of months at a time. There's a phrase in 12-step circles (a philosophy I don't personally buy into much but I have attended 12-step food programs at times) about "letting go absolutely". I always had the sense that I had never let go absolutely, and never really felt all those 12-steppers had either necessarily. I think 80/10/10 is about letting go absolutely. I so want my freedom; I am ready. So I will embark on this journey in the morning, after tonight's meal of about a pound (ugh!) of paneer tikka, one of my old favorites. (In case you're wondering, yes, I've felt gross all evening.) I'm jumping off the cliff as I sleep tonight, and tomorrow and probably the next few weeks at least will feel like free-fall, as I abandon my old familiar crutches that have only heaped misery on my shoulders.

My biggest goal is to get off of thyroid meds, which I've been on for about a year, and also to not have to take the adrenal and pituitary meds that my endocrinologist is thinking about putting me on. In other words, I'm trying to "cure" myself of an "incurable disease" that's considered autoimmune (hypothyroidism caused by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis). Just a few days last week on 80/10/10 had me up before the sun and even before my 2 and 4-year olds. Now that truly IS a miracle. In this I have discovered that there is hope of a release from this nightmare of declining health at the age of 36.

If you're reading this, please feel free to let me know by posting a comment. If you prefer for me not to post it to the site, just say so and I won't post it publicly. I'd love to hear from you.