Fasting is Annoying

Sunday wasn't perfect. I was reminded pretty immediately how awful the whole cleansing experience is. Cravings all afternoon. I slipped and slid.

But I found out that day that my neighbor was starting Master Cleanse on Monday (yesterday), so I decided to jump on the fasting bandwagon with her. I'm not doing Master Cleanse, but an almost-water fast. I say almost-water, because one of my coping mechanisms while fasting is to have warm water with honey occasionally (2-4x day), which really seems to help in my ability to deal with it. Purists might raise their noses, but hey.

Tried to do the saltwater flush yesterday, but failed! I couldn't do it first thing in the morning because I had to take my son to preschool, so I decided to do it at mid-day instead. I didn't bothering to think that I had just had a bunch of water to drink not too long before (half hour?). Two hours later, all I was doing was peeing like crazy. In short, it was no saltwater flush, but a saltwater toxification. I felt fine. It actually made me laugh that I could screw up a saltwater flush, but the thought makes me wretch: A full teaspoon of salt down the hatch, and God only knows where it is now. Yuck! So there's a warning to all you cleansing newbies out there: You MUST do a saltwater flush on an EMPTY stomach. (But there: I also did the experiment to see what happens if you eat a full teaspoon of salt, and for me, anyway, the answer is "Nothing," but it's not fun!)

I went to bed early last night at 8:00 and slept in a teensy bit this morning. Feeling pretty good this morning, and just downed the saltwater for the flush -- cross your fingers for me!

I'm not sure how long I'm (almost) fully fasting for; probably at least 3-4 days. I do plan to switch to juice and continue something for the full 10 days, but whether I would do a full fast for 10-days I will have to determine by how I'm feeling as I go along here.

I have to say though, fasting truly is annoying for me. The whole day consists of forgetting about it, then thinking, "I'm hungry! ... Aw, I'm fasting! ... I'm hungry! ... Aw, I'm fasting ..." ad infinitum. I'm not one of those people who feels "closer to God" when I'm fasting, at least not at this point in my life. On the contrary, I feel tightly tied to my body, like it's this masochistic thing that won't let me forget about it. But, saying that, when I fasted for 4 days in January I did gain a ton of energy and felt really healthy. I'm hoping for the same this time -- hoping it will put me on firmer footing to continue progressing -- even if I'm not enamored of the fasting process itself.

Day of Resurrection

Well, it's Easter today and I thought I would commemorate it, in all seriousness, by rolling away my stone of apathy to get back on track. In case you haven't guessed, I've been off track for a number of reasons. Quite frankly, I haven't really wanted to post lately because I've been so despondent about this whole experience and haven't really wanted to "air my dirty laundry" for all the world to see. Plus, I haven't really fully understood some of the things I've been attempting to process.

What I have learned -- and what I now know I have to keep in the forefront of my mind -- is that this is about ME. If I start focusing on someone else and what they think of me, especially in the world of raw foods, this is a recipe for disaster that will send me on a clear course for "failure" for quite awhile. Further to this point, I have to be careful about who I'm holding up as an example, because I can only deal with positivity on this journey. I don't have the emotional strength to process negativity, even if that negativity is something along the lines of how all those "cooked food eaters of the world" "just don't get it." (Such statements irk me, and I tend to deal with being irked in negative ways.)

The truth is I'm kicking and screaming, folks. I don't really want any of this. It's very depressing. I just want to get on with my life. I don't want this illness. I don't want this diet. But guess what? I recently had to have my medication slightly raised (I'm doubling my dose one day a week now, as opposed to bumping up to the higher dose) because I've been checked out of the reality of my situation for the last 6 weeks or so. Well, not totally checked out. I still have quite a few fruit meals, but I have learned I really have to be focused on this to do the healing work, and I truly haven't been ... that's the lesson.

I have thought about closing this blog, but have decided to give myself one last chance with it. If I don't stay on track this time, I will close it so that I don't have to feel like such a miserable failure anymore.

There's my whining over with ...

My inspiration for the monumental task I'm undertaking -- that of picking myself up and moving forward -- are the following posts:

This post about Debbie on Kris Carr's fab blog: People are overcoming stuff a lot scarier than what I'm dealing with, and staying positive and learning from their trials.

Sarah's recent post on Cravings and Visualizations: On the one hand I think, "Maybe that's it, I'm just not a big enough believer." But on the other hand I'm truly inspired that she hasn't had a craving in a long time, since I can't even fathom a life without food cravings. (Wouldn't that be nice!!)

Oooh, I almost forgot to tell you. I am now studying to be a personal trainer. I plan to do my CPR training soon (a requirement for the ACSM certification) and will take the exam once I have sufficiently studied for it. There's a lot on there that I'm shaky on, but I took a 3-full-day course last weekend and was really inspired. So I guess I'm unfair to myself to say I've been up to nothing.

I have my warm cup of coffee with cream next to me right now, and then that's it: Taking the 100% plunge again. Gotta brace myself for the lovely caffeine withdrawal. Thanks for still reading. Hugs to you all!

I'll post soon, promise!