Well, it's Easter today and I thought I would commemorate it, in all seriousness, by rolling away my stone of apathy to get back on track. In case you haven't guessed, I've been off track for a number of reasons. Quite frankly, I haven't really wanted to post lately because I've been so despondent about this whole experience and haven't really wanted to "air my dirty laundry" for all the world to see. Plus, I haven't really fully understood some of the things I've been attempting to process.
What I have learned -- and what I now know I have to keep in the forefront of my mind -- is that this is about ME. If I start focusing on someone else and what they think of me, especially in the world of raw foods, this is a recipe for disaster that will send me on a clear course for "failure" for quite awhile. Further to this point, I have to be careful about who I'm holding up as an example, because I can only deal with positivity on this journey. I don't have the emotional strength to process negativity, even if that negativity is something along the lines of how all those "cooked food eaters of the world" "just don't get it." (Such statements irk me, and I tend to deal with being irked in negative ways.)
The truth is I'm kicking and screaming, folks. I don't really want any of this. It's very depressing. I just want to get on with my life. I don't want this illness. I don't want this diet. But guess what? I recently had to have my medication slightly raised (I'm doubling my dose one day a week now, as opposed to bumping up to the higher dose) because I've been checked out of the reality of my situation for the last 6 weeks or so. Well, not totally checked out. I still have quite a few fruit meals, but I have learned I really have to be focused on this to do the healing work, and I truly haven't been ... that's the lesson.
I have thought about closing this blog, but have decided to give myself one last chance with it. If I don't stay on track this time, I will close it so that I don't have to feel like such a miserable failure anymore.
There's my whining over with ...
My inspiration for the monumental task I'm undertaking -- that of picking myself up and moving forward -- are the following posts:
This post about Debbie on Kris Carr's fab blog: People are overcoming stuff a lot scarier than what I'm dealing with, and staying positive and learning from their trials.
Sarah's recent post on Cravings and Visualizations: On the one hand I think, "Maybe that's it, I'm just not a big enough believer." But on the other hand I'm truly inspired that she hasn't had a craving in a long time, since I can't even fathom a life without food cravings. (Wouldn't that be nice!!)
Oooh, I almost forgot to tell you. I am now studying to be a personal trainer. I plan to do my CPR training soon (a requirement for the ACSM certification) and will take the exam once I have sufficiently studied for it. There's a lot on there that I'm shaky on, but I took a 3-full-day course last weekend and was really inspired. So I guess I'm unfair to myself to say I've been up to nothing.
I have my warm cup of coffee with cream next to me right now, and then that's it: Taking the 100% plunge again. Gotta brace myself for the lovely caffeine withdrawal. Thanks for still reading. Hugs to you all!
I'll post soon, promise!