Day 5: Bless Me, Dr. D, for I have sinned ...

... it's been 41 hours since my last pain killer! (That's a jab at the 80/10/10 -- not the Catholic -- church!) Yes, it's true. I regret to inform you that karma came a-knockin' the other day, just after I told you how I was in so little pain and the detox was going just fabulously. Whoom! Huge headache of migraine-like proportions. I knew if I didn't take a pain killer (or two! :-) ) I was not going to be able to pick up my child from preschool without turning my car into a vomitorium. I was not partial to the vomitorium option, so I had two choices: Eat a bunch of pizza and drink some coffee or take some little blue pills and watch the pain go bye-bye. I opted for least fun of the two options, the second, which I think was the one that allowed my detox to continue in some fashion.

Today the skin on my forehead is really rough and my nose looks red (rosecea-like issues going on). My energy is not so great yet, but I can really tell I'm in cleansing mode, more so than when I was doing my halfway approach to this diet.

I have been doing a lot of visualization recently, seeing myself as energetic and healed. It's helping to keep my spirits up. I think the most difficult part of this whole journey is just the first step. Not even the first action, but the thoughts that precede the action: Just believing that it's possible to heal, and countering all the negativity that is dumped on you by the medical establishment, which feels like a latrine of 100 elephants.

Food:

• Juice of 7 oranges (3.5 cups)
• Smoothie: 4 red bananas, 6 oz blueberries, 3 pears (a couple varieties -- not sure which -- from a bag of bargain produce)
• Watery smoothie of 2 red bananas, 4 honey dates, with a handful of common mallow (malva neglecta) from my back yard (I was doing the weeding and found some edibles!). If you don't know what this is, check out the link, because you probably have some of these free greens in your yard too! 1.5 Hayden mangoes on the side.
• 4 stalks celery - I was kind of craving this.
• 2 fuyu persimmons, 1/2 small hachiya persimmon, 1 burro banana. I never had one of these before. I don't think it was ripe enough. 4 oz avocado, 1.5 cups red grapes, 1 red bell pepper.

Calories: 2000
Calonutrient ratio: 86/4/10

Day 4: Craving uprising

I'm posting this on Day 5, but here's a summary of yesterday:

I struggled with some horrendous thoughts of devouring the cheese Gary bought that's still in the fridge, as well as some of the cooked stuff the kids had, but I managed to not focus on it. I just noted the momentary sinking feeling and moved on, although I did note I was more irritable than usual.

I was very, very tired in the evening, and forced everyone to bed at 8:00. Had a bit of a yelling match with the two-year-old who jabbered in bed for an hour, talking about "night night" and "a-muls" (animals). Under normal circumstances this would have been cute, but I was not in the mood. I badly needed sleep, and he was extremely reluctant to give it to me! I finally went to sleep a bit after 9:00.

Food:

• 5 cups orange juice (10 oranges)
• 8 red bananas, 4.4 oz box of blueberries, 2 sticks celery, blended
• 3 fuyu persimmons
• 1 box 4.4 oz blueberries
• 1 romaine heart, 1/2 cup broccoli, 1 large carrot (trying to use these up - I had a whole bunch in the fridge from my juicing days), dressing of 1.5 roma tomatoes, 1/2 avocado (2 oz), 1 tsp lemon juice, 1 ear yellow corn
  

Calories: 1931
Calonutrient ratio: 88/5/7

Day 3: Nightmares can be a good omen!

I officially entered the detox portion of this journey last night. I was wondering, too, because I felt almost too good for days one and two. Didn't get around to posting since Gary went out of town (Ft. Worth – Sarah,
he’s programming/starting up
your new water treatment plant!) and I'm on the childcare/juggle-your-life/24-7 thing. (I did manage to track my food, see below.) Yet I can tell you with certainty that something has shifted within me. The last few weeks of struggle have turned out to be a watershed moment in my life, separating the wheat from the chaff.

I have been on such an emotional upswing it's almost unbelievable. I fully, one hundred percent, believe in myself, and believe that I can heal from this. I also believe that I have the focus and clarity now that it will take in order to achieve it, and that's what I needed to take some time honing. It's a hard thing to do: Not only what no one else will do, but what many people are appalled that you even want to try, and to do it with conviction and certainty, is a difficult thing. I have acknowledged that for myself.

Let me tell you about my daydream yesterday (and then I'll tell you about that nightmare). I was thinking about that moment when I know that I have finally overcome this thing, who I would like to thank as I throw out that last bottle of levothyroxine: My parents, who have supported me emotionally during this journey; my husband, who's really seen the worst in me and stuck by me nonetheless; Paramahansa Yogananda, my guru, who has taught me to believe in the wonder of myself; Jesus Christ, who taught that love is the greatest gift of all; Bikram Chodhury, who would never take no crap from no one, including me, when I think I can't do it; and my kids who are so precious to me, who gave me a beautiful reason to try to reclaim myself and who teach me that I am worthy of love. Those are a few, and I'm going to keep thanking people (there are a million more) as my healing progresses. So if I didn't mention you, I'm thinking of you. Just wanted to get the gratitude juices flowing.

I think it really helped me tremendously on an emotional level to literally throw out my higher, 112 mcg, dosage, which I happily did on Friday morning. I thought for a nanosecond about keeping it, just in case, but I thought how stupid that would be, because I don't intend to ever need it again. And keeping things like that laying around in a houseful of kids is a health risk, besides. ;-)

I was listening to KPFA radio here in Berkeley yesterday and Frances Moore Lappe was on, author of the groundbreaking ,1971 (?) bestseller Diet for a Small Planet. She said one thing that really made my ears perk up: "What is power? It is simply our capacity to act." And I realized that she hit the nail on the head of what I am experiencing right now. It is when I learn to believe in myself, when I learn that it doesn't matter what someone else's "prognosis" is for me, that I learn that I have power over this thing called illness. I have the capacity to act, and acting I am ...

... and then there's detox. Ai-yai-yai! It really ain't so fun. But it's not so bad this time 'round either. Just groggy ... didn't want to get out of bed. Only a very slight headache though, thankfully. So all in all I have to say it's rather painless. But I did dream last night of drinking a giant cup of coffee with cream while I munched maniacally through a Snickers bar and a packet of Skittles. Sent me into a mental tailspin in this dream too, feeling no hope, feeling controlled by the world around me, etc., etc. And then I woke up from that nightmare and, behold, it was very good. :-) My life was still in my hands! And I realized that I must be -- finally -- growing, because I know that once a fear reaches nightmare proportions, I have immense power to turn my back on it. And I can only get better from here.

Food:

• Juice of 10 oranges (5 cups)
• 8 fuyu persimmons
• 8 red bananas blended with 2 stalks celery
• 4 stalks celery, 3 small zebra tomatoes (last of my garden crop), 1 romaine heart, 1/2 avocado (2 oz); 8 blended tangerines

Calonutrient ratio: 89/5/6

Day 2: Stats

Food:

• Juice of 9 oranges
• 3 manila mangoes, 5 fuyu persimmons
• 8 bananas blended with 2 stalks celery and 1 cup strawberries (by the way, if anyone reading has a two-year-old, a big stack of strawberry baskets can keep one of those kids occupied for hours!)
• 3 stalks celery
• 8 blended tangerines, 1 romaine heart (am I getting enough greens, you veterans??)

Calories: 2081
Calonutrient ratio: 91/5/4

Day 1: Stats

Food:

• 2.5 cups orange juice (6 oranges)
• 7.75 red bananas blended with 1 stick celery (tastes much better this way, easy on the celery)
• 4 fuyu persimmons, 2 manilla mangoes, a few bites of an unripe Hayden mango that I had to throw out, 2 stalks celery
• 6 red bananas blended with 1 stalk celery
• Juice of 4 oranges, 1 romaine heart

Calories: 2155 (yeah!)
Calonutrient ratio: 92/4/3
Weight: 119.0
Body Fat % (according to the Tanita scale): 23.5%
Hydration (according to the scale): 52.7% (seems I should be dead! :-))

Into the deep end, completely at peace

Today is the day my life begins to change for the better. I am actually very glad that I didn't try to get right back on 811 right after Thanksgiving, because I now see that I had a lot of emotional work to do, and I (cross my fingers) think I've done it. Not like the process is probably ever over, but I feel that I have done what I needed to do to get myself fully motivated to take the plunge off the edge of the universe, which is sometimes what this feels like to me. (That's my son relaxing in the pool, by the way.)

Today, emotionally, I feel totally at peace with this decision -- and I have made the decision. I'm not looking back, come hell or high water (which I am 99% certain will not happen). I have informed those around me who I needed to inform about my decision. Now it's time to begin my healing escapade.

My goal with this diet, my first goal anyway, is to fully recover from Hashimoto's thyroiditis and its consequent thyroid failure, as well as to restore my adrenal function. Endocrine balance, period. I doubt there's a doctor out there who would think it possible. My doctor said, quite frankly, he thinks I'm past the stage where my body can deal with it, or something along those lines; that I'm past the point of recovery.

I don't believe that. I believe I can and will recover.

New Rules
Screw my previous attempts at making up my own rules. The new rules are the old rules. Very strict 80/10/10 raw vegan to the freakin' letter. I will also (try) to tell you what I'm eating, for those who want to learn about this. While I may eat more than one food at a time, I will endeavor to have no more than four. I will not have coffee, juice (except oj), salt, oil, seasoning: Nada, but will hopefully receive the blessings of the entire universe in exchange.

A new life begins ... NOW! :-)

My dosage has been decreased!

I had a doctor appointment yesterday, which was quite interesting. This doctor has so many patients that I can only get last-minute cancellation appointments, so consequently I had to bring the whole clan with me. I was quite worried, because in the past I've had to wait like an hour in the waiting room, but yesterday I was able to get right in, so the kids did not have to go into meltdown, and they were quite good for the whole appointment.

In sum, I still feel like crap, but apparently it's not my thyroid this time, and it wasn't my thyroid not long ago when I told you it was crashing again. The doctor thinks it's my adrenals, and he's running more tests, and has put me on over-the-counter DHEA in the meantime.

You know what's kind of funny/not funny about being chronically ill? In the beginning, I really had that Rocky theme song going on in the back of my head. You know, like I was gonna fight it, tackle it, defeat this thing, and who needs your stupid drugs anyway! But then, as I realized that it wasn't going away, the Rocky theme gradually faded, and there was actually no music, just profound silence for awhile, and the I-don't-want-your-stupid-drugs attitude changed to I'm so sick of feeling like crap I'll take anything. Battery acid? Sure, give it here! DHEA? Pfft! Whatever! Frugivorous diet? No problem! You know, you just get desperate after awhile. And I'm about 18 months into this now. But I do feel slightly -- ever so teensy weensy slightly -- encouraged today -- and is that the Chariots of Fire theme I hear in the background?? I guess I'm in for the long haul ...

Of course what all this really means is that I don't really know what I'm talking about, or what I'm feeling, or how to interpret what I'm feeling. Still, the doctor should have at least called me back when I called him saying I felt awful and needed an appointment. It's all a complicated picture, because I do apparently have two imbalances, with my thyroid and adrenals out of whack. And I did have a dosage increase on the thyroid meds about two months ago, so I can't say this is all related to my attempts at the 811 lifestyle. Still, the doctor has lowered my dosage of thyroid meds -- whoo hoo!, and I never thought I'd see that day. I was on 100/112 mcg on alternate days, and he's put it back down to 100 every day now, which is an improvement. Yet now I understand what hyperthyroidism feels like, and if I'm to get over this on the 80/10/10 diet, I'm going to feel it for awhile as my dosage is gradually decreased.

It's 5 a.m. and here are my blood results
Lest you think that having hyperthyroidism feels good, let me tell you that it's 5 a.m., friends, and I can't sleep worth a darn. Really need that sleep too. I'm exhausted, but my pulse is racing slightly (86 at the doctor office yesterday) and you just can't sleep through that kind of nonsense. One thing that came up yesterday in my appointment is that I had a really strange night last week where every time I would lay down my heart would kind of freak out and start beating like da ... da ... da ... dadadadadada ... da ... da da da ... anyway, hard to capture in writing, but you get the point: Normal heart rate for a few beats, then like 120 bpm for a few. Kinda scary. Thought about going to the hospital, but then it calmed down, so I didn't worry about it. Turned out it was the over-dosage of thyroid hormone. Look at these numbers:

TSH-ICMA: .06 uU/mL (yes, that's point-OH-six, not point-six)
T-3, Serum: 188 ng/dL
T-4, Serum: 10.3 ug/dL
Free Thyroxine (by Dialysis) (no idea what that means!): 1.54 ng/dL
Testosterone, Serum: 20 ng/dL (yes, girls have it too!)
Bioavailable testosterone, S: 2.3 ng/dL
Bioavailable testosterone, %: 11.7
SHBG (IRMA): 116 nmol/L
Cortisol, Serum or Plasma: 4.5

I don't pretend to know what all these numbers mean, but I thought I'd publish them in case they mean anything to anyone else. What the doctor said is that my thyroid stimulating hormone is now low (meaning my thyroid doesn't need to be stimulated because I've got too much hormone circulating from the meds), all my thyroid hormones themselves are now high, and my adrenal hormone(s?) are in the low-normal range.

And now back to 80/10/10 ...
... but not today. I'm off on a romantic getaway to Portland today, returning on Monday. First time I will have been away from both my kids for longer than about a night. It will be strange, but I'm looking forward to it. Still, this trip has been one of the things that was actually weighing on my mind when I was doing 811, because we're going up there with a couple friends, and I really couldn't figure out how I was going to be going to restaurants and all that without feeling completely deprived. So after I fell off it, I finally gave myself a break and have decided that this truly is my "last hurrah". When I told Gary that he said, "You've had sooooo many last hurrahs you could have a marching band!" ... to which I had to laugh. He's right, you know, but all I can do is dust myself off and start over. I wrote a letter to my family about my decision, which I sent yesterday, so it's official: Tuesday is the day, and I have no intention of looking back. I'll be offline for a few days, until then, and I'll show you that letter when I get back.

Small steps forward

I went into a slight emotional meltdown after stumbling in my 811 path last week. But I heeded my inner warning, and have been working a lot, I think, on what has stood in my way. I will blog more about this is the next few days. But I did speak to my husband, Gary, on Thanksgiving about how I'm such a pathetic drill sergeant to myself, and that this is likely one of the things that has been a roadblock to me on this 811 thing. Like I'm not allowing myself to fully feel the negative feelings, because they are not allowed by the drill sergeant.

Inspiration
One person, nay, group of people, who have so inspired me recently in trying to cultivate positive attitude are Kris Carr and the folks who comment on her Crazy Sexy Cancer blog. Kris Carr herself is amazing, and has seemingly spawned this groundswell of positivity in cancer circles after coming out with her groundbreaking documentary on TLC, Crazy Sexy Cancer. She's a cancer SUR-VI-VOR, and I think she, for one (and there are so many others) truly shows what dealing with illness is really about. She's blogged and spoken about how getting past the "please, make it go away!" mentality really jump-starts the true emotional healing and growth that come from dealing with illness. And she's so right. I can't say that I've come as far as her, but I'm on the same page. It's a process, not a destination ... whether it's illness or life, really.

Where I am on 811
So I haven't gotten fully back on track (but I WILL BE SOON ... READ ALL ABOUT IT!), and haven't fully tried yet per se; because I recognized that I have deeper emotional issues to deal with. There's a phrase in financial management: Pay yourself first. I realized -- on Thanksgiving Day, no doubt -- that there is a similar phrase in life management: Love yourself first. I wasn't heeding this. I was getting so mad at myself for feeling what I was feeling. I was having no inner mercy, and it wasn't working. There are also some physiological issues I need to deal with too, such as stretching my stomach for all that fruit, which brings me to ...

... It's a record!
This morning I ate 15 clementines in one sitting. Maybe that's nothing to you veteran 811ers, but it was truly a record for me. I asked my 4-1/2 year old how many tangerines he thought I could eat and he put 16 in a bowl. I said, "Well, that's sure a lot of tangerines, but do you think I can do it?" He had a ball peeling them and cheering me on in our homemade competitive-eating competition. There were a couple halves I had to spit out because they were over-ripe and made me gag (does this happen to any of you??), but I actually did it, so I made it to, say, 15. Probably could have managed a few more, but torture was not on my morning agenda. Which brings me to ...

... Does anyone else out there watch the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest besides me??
I know, I know: It's ABSOLUTELY BARBARIC! Couldn't agree more. But somehow every year I get sucked into the sheer shock of it, and end up watching it. It seems I find out about it always by chance at the last minute. The last one was actually fairly recently -- a few months ago maybe? But especially this last time I watched it I thought: We have GOT to get 811ers going against these competitive eaters (Doug Graham/Takeru Kobayashi/Joey Chestnut, you game??) in a fruit-eating competition sponsored by ORGANIC FARMERS, not Nathans! Now maybe I'm totally crazy, but I think it would be a really fun way to bring attention to not only organic farming, but also to raw foods. And maybe the 811ers would beat these guys, what with their big, stretchy stomachs -- who knows?? We'll certainly never know if Doug Graham could eat more hot dogs than them since he obviously wouldn't, so they're gonna have to come to us! Tee hee! Of course, the whole idea of competitive eating could very well go against the cardinal rule of "just getting enough" of something, but it's still a fun idea that makes me laugh inwardly.

I haven't given up

Although the last few days have been a huge challenge for me with my symptoms all starting to return, I've been grateful for the support I've gotten from some raw food folks. I've been exchanging emails with Helen of Tennessee (found her on Shazzie's site) who also has a thyroid problem. She wrote this to me:

“I can totally relate to what you wrote about eating raw (fruits). I love fruits though. But even though I love fruits, when I’m hypo, I find it very difficult to eat them and prefer the cooked foods. It’s a catch 22. If I’m feeling well I can eat raw and love it. When I feel bad (hypo), I can’t stay eating raw. Maybe if and when you can get all your hormones balanced (including your adrenal glands) you may find you’ll enjoy eating raw. In the mean time you’ll have to do whatever it takes to feel the best you can.”

I would never wish this problem on anyone, but at least I'm not alone in the world in having to deal with it. To top it all off, I've been desperately putting in calls to my doctor's office to try to get my dosage sorted out before I take a serious nosedive. I know my levels are off and they probably have been for a month. But it appears it wasn't important enough to my doctor to even warrant looking at my lab work -- let alone call me back -- before he left for the rest of the week. At least he'll have a nice Thanksgiving. I've been calling since last Friday. I need a new doctor.

Getting off 811 hasn't helped one iota (duh!). Nothing helps. So I just need to put one foot in front of the other and eat some fruit I guess. I don't know that tomorrow is the best day to force the issue though. Maybe Friday.

Derailed

I know, I know, it seems from the blogosphere that things were going so well, but the last few days have been rough for two specific reasons. One, fruit gets old. I mean, it's really not my favorite food, not even close. In fact, after eating it almost exclusively for weeks, it becomes just about one of my least favorite foods. Yesterday afternoon, I once again got to the point that I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I would throw up if I ate more fruit. How do you get around that on the 80-10-10 diet?? So I jumped ship, at least momentarily.

The other thing -- the real clincher for my decision -- is that all is not rosy with my endocrine system. Although I had thought that my worsening the last time I stuck this thing out for 10 days or so was due to a missing dose of my thyroid meds some time before, now I'm not so sure. Although I feel good in some ways -- clearer (but still bad) skin, feeling strong -- my energy has been plummeting once again. My feet, hands, and now forearms are cold, like there's no circulation there anymore. I'm having to sleep in progressively more blankets every night. It feels like a slow death, and like this "perfect diet solution" just isn't. Once again, I'm getting worse, not better.

One theory is that this diet is lacking in some essential nutrient that is out of balance in my system. Well, maybe not that it's lacking per se, but it's lacking in the amounts that I need it, due to my imbalance. But it could have nothing to do with that. It could be simply that nothing I do, NOTHING, will even touch this thing, that I'll just have to deal with this constant downward spiral for the rest of my life. Sounds depressing, but I have to accept that possibility. The one other possibility is that it's the coffee that's having a bad effect, but I actually kind of doubt that that's it based on past experience. Still, it's something I might try.

But back to the hatred of fruit, I really can't figure out how to get around that one. The just eat more idea kind of backfires here.

In case you're wondering, I had a low fat cooked vegan meal of stir fry, brown rice, and tofu, and enjoyed it immensely. It sure beat bananas, for the meantime.

Where to go from here???

Persimmon standoff averted ... for now

Yesterday afternoon it was fruit, fruit everywhere and not a bite to eat. Rock hard persimmons, green bananas, the list goes on. I even resorted to eating a not-quite-ripe banana since I didn't have much else. (I also had some tangerines and dates, but wanted a teensy bit of variety after eating them in the earlier part of the day.) Bad idea. I got an upset stomach for the rest of the day, so much so that yoga was out of the question. I guess I can't do starchy bananas anymore.

Today I was so fed up with it that I went down to Berkeley Bowl, the neighborhood produce market, to see what they had. I did strike gold in that they had ripe hachiya persimmons 3 for $1, so I bought about 18. I tied the two bags of them onto the side of the stoller and walked home. By the time I got home about a quarter of them were oozing all over the bag, and I picked out the smooshiest ones and sat down for a feast with my two-year-old. He's learning English, you see, and this was a perfect opportunity to practice the word "mess", which he said about 20 times. (He didn't actually eat any of it, just played with it, and had a ball!) I can't eat many of those things. About four was all I could manage, which kept me for a few hours. I was stuffed.

The bad news it that I feel like garbage now, thanks to that time of the month. Looks like my absence of cramps last month was just a flash in the pan, at least for now. What with that, I must say that when you're not feeling well, it really ain't easy eating all that fruit. You know, I'd just love something quicker right now, that requires less chewing, that's heavier faster.

As for the cravings, they're coming and going at this point. Generally speaking, the last few days I've just had the constant slight-annoyance factor, like I still don't really like this, but it's not so awful that I have to do anything about it anymore. Still, there are occasional moments when I get slammed with a sudden, overpowering craving for something, but thus far -- in recent days anyway -- they have passed almost as fast.

Sarah, of the 811 blogosphere, commented recently that I need to eat more fruit. Point well taken, but I would also hope that I can one day get to the point that, no matter how hungry I get, I don't want to eat garbage. Filling myself up on some kind of fruit, whatever that is, will not change the fact that at this point when I'm hungry I still crave anything-other-than-fruit. Sarah's right though, and I really think she needs to have a stern conversation with my bananas and persimmons!

Ode to coffee & those pesky persimmons

Ho hum, another fruity day! I just realized that I'm getting far enough into this that I actually have to start thinking about what day I'm on (9) with my current dietary iteration. I'm a total coffee FIEND right now (sorry, to all you purists), but I'm really trying to focus on getting over the food cravings right now -- which are definitely calming -- and then I'll deal with the headache of getting over the coffee. My husband and I have a trip -- NO KIDS! -- planned for Portland at the end of the month, and I feel like I need at least one crutch to get through that. Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone, eh??

The persimmons are just killing me lately! They are the laziest, most stubborn fruit I have ever seen in my life! I swear all they do is just sit on the windowsill, casually soaking up gallon after gallon of sweet sunshine, absolutely refusing to ripen. I have about 40 of them, all over the place, and I get like one ripe one a day. What a joke! I'm going to starve at this rate! I think the persimmons need some coffee too: Speed them up a little, you know! They have a cruel sense of humor too, because they taste so good when they're fully ripe. I guess that's why they're orange and come to life around Halloween time, sick things!

Speaking of the cruelty of persimmons, I forgot to mention that I think my last post was actually made possible by this slow ripening, as the persimmons I used were not at their most luscious, gooey, smooshy stage, but just before this stage, therefore more starchy, thus providing the gelatinous, adhesive quality so crucial to childhood fun.

I've been having some issues around fully letting go of condiments, in the form of something, anything! on my evening salad. I've been doing about a tablespoon of olive oil usually, plus maybe a dash (very small though) of balsamic vinegar or nama-shame-on-you (that's nama shoyu -- unpasteurized soy sauce -- to the unitiated). But I have to say that I'm making huge progress, so I'm really trying not to get too hung up on my "imperfections", as I do feel I'll be able to either work on this actively at a later stage, or it will just come naturally. You must remember that I cook for my family, and then sit down and eat my salad (joy of absolute joys!), smelling all their culinary delights all the while. Last night, for example, I made homemade vegan tacos, by taking a gluten roast I had made the other night, putting it in the food processor to make "taco meat", then adding Mexican spices and cooking that. I made homemade tortillas too. As you can guess this all smells absolutely disgusting! No, honestly, I wasn't quite as sucked into the gorgeous smell of it as I would have been a few days ago, so I was able to just let it go.

I am reareading the book The China Study. If you haven't read it, it's a must-read. It's not about raw food, per se, but about the benefits of a plant-based diet. I have decided that although it's unrealistic for me to turn my whole family into staunch raw foodists -- which is not my intention or desire right now -- I do think veering toward veganism is a must. Not necessarily a thou-shalt-not-ever kind of veganism, but a this-is-what-we-do-in-the-home kind of veganism. Gary, my husband, is not such a cheese freak anyway, so it really wouldn't be too difficult with a small amount of effort and creativity on my part (need a vegan cookbook, for one: Any recommendations??).

Off to graze on some bananas ...

Persimmon fun for kids

I made this interesting accidental discovery the other day. If you blend fuyu persimmons in a Vita Mix (not sure if another blender would work or not) and leave the mixture to sit for a couple hours, it sets into a jello-like consistency. Why?? No idea. I had forgotten to pick up my persimmon smoothie off the kitchen counter when I went to pick up my son from preschool, and when I returned I had to bang on the bottom of the cup to extract my erstwhile drink.

That fostered the idea of making fun shapes for kids -- desserts, if you will -- out of blended fuyus. I made these two lovely creations (photo above) using sand molds. You could also do something with cookie cutters. I also added some cinnamon and a tad of honey, but plain-old persimmons work great too.

Yesterday, despite this kitchen creativity, was a difficult day. At one point I thought I just couldn't take it anymore, and was literally counting minutes, looking at the clock, thinking, "Can I make it another minute?". This was not, as you may have guessed, a strategy which brought me much relief from my cravings. I just wasn't feeling satisfied. I did end up having a whole avocado on my salad in the evening (the alternative would have been something like pasta, I figured). I still felt like I had a bottomless pit for a stomach, and was quite irritable. Then I added a couple bananas, a few plums, and some dates to my meal, and, hallelujah! then I felt passable, making it through the night.

Today I've felt pretty good. My good moments still are not necessarily a walk in the park: I don't want to be eating fruit at meals, I really don't, but I'm glad that if I eat enough of it my my mental chatter seems to soften slightly.

I really want to make it through the initial withdrawal this time. It's a doozy. I have never in my life actually not had food cravings, so it's hard for me to imagine what that might be like. I would love to get there, and I'm trying as hard as I can right now to pay the price of admission.

The Chemistry of Food Addiction

I know what you're probably thinking: That the wagon I was on rode off into the sunset, me nowhere on it, since I haven't posted in so long! Actually, to the contrary, things are going well, dietarily speaking. I have been playing sole-childcare person in my family this week, with DH away on business, so between that and my day job (part-time contractor for a small non-profit), I haven't had time for anything extraneous like keeping you all apprised of my life, no matter how much I have wanted to.

I managed to come down with a cold yesterday, nonetheless, the same one my kids have. However, it came on last night and is practically gone already, at 2:00 the next day, so I really can't complain. I will post sometime about my thoughts on the germ theory that so many raw fooders reject.

I've been doing a ton of reading on the notion of food addiction. As I've said before, I think I'm definitely addicted. The FA meeting I attended last week inspired me to think deeper about the culprit being refined carbohydrates, and I do think that this is part of the equation, but not the whole story. What do I crave? Cheese, cheese, more cheese, yogurt, pizza, paneer (that's Indian cheese!), fried things at restaurants, and did I say cheese? Mostly fatty stuff, heavy on the dairy. Now, if I'm eating sugar, I do build up a craving for it fairly quickly, however, it also passes fairly quickly when I lay off it, so I don't see this as my personal biggest downfall. So what's the explanation?

This is where it gets really interesting.

I read this book last week called The Anatomy of a Food Addiction by Anne Katherine, MA. While I didn't find the entire book useful or relevant to me personally, I found her summary of the addiction process very enlightening. Here is a summary of the some of the various theories of food addiction, which I gleaned from that book:

• The ingestion of carbohydrates raises blood sugar, which raises insulin level, which causes an artificially high level of the amino acid tryptophan to cross the blood brain barrier. (The insulin causes the other amino acids in the food to enter the muscles, instead of crossing the blood brain barrier, as would normally happen, thereby allowing more tryptophan to enter.) Tryptophan in the brain causes the release of serotonin, which makes you feel groovy. All that cheese I love is high in tryptopan, and eating it in conjunction with carbohydrates can cause this effect. Now, what I think is so interesting about this theory, from an 811 standpoint, is that the high levels of fat, according to Dr. Graham, also would raise the blood sugar by trapping the sugar in the bloodstream, thereby causing the same end result -- feeling groovy. Maybe this is why I crave fat, and especially dairy. Furthermore, higher blood sugar has also been shown to increase the number and sensitivity of brain opiate receptors, so maybe it's a roller coaster that once you're on, it's hard to get off (especially if you're a sensitive type like me and you like to feel groovy). That's why I HATE THIS withdrawal so much I guess. :-)
  

• Another interesting factoid is that eating sugar/starch triggers the secretion of beta-endorphins, which stimulate appetite, which cause you to eat more sugar and starch. And on and on. Your body becomes dependent on these opiates. Hence the FA meetings. Dr. Graham would definitely say you don't become dependent on anything bad for you, and, technically speaking, he's right. But, your mind -- in a non-thinking, chemical kind of way -- sure can make you THINK your body's dependent on them, and who am I to argue with beta-endorphins after all!
  

Wow! So now I think I'm getting it. Step One of any 12-step program is "admitting you are powerless over ____________." I always "balked" (to use a 12-step word) at this "SAY IT! SAY IT!" approach to improving my life. What I'm trying to do right now is not to admit but just to understand, which doesn't have that horrible you've-finally-seen-the-light connotation to it. What I am understanding is that everyone else doesn't have this relationship to food, at least maybe not as strong, and I'm starting to recognize the wily, dastardly mechanism of it, and in that knowledge I am slowly breaking free. Or maybe it's just that I'm like most people, but for whatever reason am not comfortable with my desires.

I have to admit one thing though: I have not been fully abstinent since my last post, as I think I fell off for a day or so after. But I'm abstinent now, and have been these last 5 days, according to my getting-closer-each-day-to-811 rules (described in previous post). Furthermore, I don't feel as crazy as I did those first 10 days. I think what happened there, as I theorized at the time, is that missing one dose (yes, one teensy dose) of my thyroid medication really whacked me out for a few days. I can't do that right now. (Hopefully some day I'll be able to miss 365 doses without a hitch.)

I went to the Richmond Farmer's Market today and bought 13 pounds of fuyu persimmons for $1/lb. (As I was paying I saw another stall that had them for $.50/lb. Oh well!) I've been eating them like crazy. The also had plums and I bought a bunch of them. I should be pretty set for the next few days.

Czech this out ...

So I go to yoga last night after a fruit meal and a few hours of abstinence under my belt, and the instructor tells us, as an afterthought toward the end of the class, that the 2008 International Yoga Asana Champtionship - Bishnu Charan Ghosh Cup is coming up, and that the regional competition for Northern California will take place on January 5. Suddenly, I was seized with a desire to compete. That's two months away. Not enough time to come anywhere close to winning anything but self-assurance and renewed zest for life, but hey, that would be more than enough for now. I think, as long as I'm not getting too overzealous to the point that I injure myself (something I have learned with my knee issues to be ever mindful of) that it would be a great opportunity to remind myself that I am still a part of the human race, and can still live a joyful life.

I came home and told Gary, my husband, and, after he joked around a bit about how a "yoga competition" was such a contradiction of terms ("Not according to Bikram," I said), he said he thought I should do it, that it would be good for me. We talked about it and agreed that if I'm going to consider it I should start going to class every other day for the next few weeks, and then build up to every day. Now I haven't decided whether I'm definitely going to do this or not, and I think to some extent it's dependent on what my body says over the next few weeks, as I'm still nursing some ligament/tendon "issues". I need to find out when the last day is to register for the competition. It's food for thought though, and it's definitely piqued my curiosity.

I ordered Doug Graham's On Nutrition and Physical Performance and, interestingly, that arrived yesterday, outlining step-by-step how to achieve maximum physical performance and recovery, just in time for me possibly needing to achieve maximum physical performance and recovery. (Funny, that!)

The wagon is moving, and I'm hanging on the back!

Whew! Glad that's over! It has become so clear to me over the last few days of feeling out of control when it comes to food that what I'm dealing with truly is an addiction. What it's an addiction to, I'm not quite sure (something in the food vs. the behavior vs. both), but I really don't care what it is, and I don't have to understand it. What is important is that I have made the decision for now, this moment, not to engage in that behavior that is like dark clouds over the blue skies of my soul; I'm taking the giant blower of opposite activity and gradually blowing them away.

I went to a Food Addicts in Recovery (FA) meeting the other night. It's a 12-step offshoot of Overeaters Anonymous (OA). Some years back I went to FA meetings for a month or two. I had an unbearably atrocious sponsor and just felt crazier and crazier as the time went on, so I gave it up. I also have some minimal experience with OA, which seemed to be a group of people who couldn't deal with life, but who wanted me to put all my decisions into their hands (yeah, right!). I have been cynical to say the least about 12-step programs over the years, FA and OA included. However, it is very clear to me that each of these programs works for some, as far as helping people to release the grip on their food addictions. From what I have personally witnessed, FA has a much higher success rate than OA. I attribute that both to a very simple, clear-cut food plan as well as to FA's close-knit community.

I went to FA the other night without the intention of getting a sponsor or following their food plan. I went to gather information, namely, what it is that's working for these people. I didn't get a chance to speak to too many people myself, but I do have some more solidified ideas of what works after hearing people speak during the meeting, namely:

• A defined notion of abstinence. (The definition of an "ideal raw food diet" varies amongst raw enthusiasts, even in raw sub-genres, i.e. 811ers vs. "eat-anything-as-long-as-it's-raw-ers" vs. fruitarians, etc.)
• A community of people who have similar feelings and behaviors around food. (I haven't found this in raw circles yet, but, rather, a spectrum of behaviors/beliefs about food, some of which I agree with, some of which I find highly suspect.)
• A support system within that community. (I have not always found the raw community supportive; not that it doesn't exist, but the support is not systematized/defined.)
• Continued reinforcement of the positive behavior in the form of community meetings. (Doesn't exist due to the above.)
• Having another person (sponsor) who you commit your program to. (See above.)
• A daily meditation/spiritual practice/quiet time. (Ok, if I haven't always done this, that's my fault! :-) )

I would love love love it if I found a support system within the raw community. I mean, something more than a bunch of people talking about how "toxic" cooked food is. Yeah, I know it can be toxic, but it still calls to me, and that's the issue that needs dealing with.

I spoke to a wonderful friend of mine this afternoon who is in FA, and who has been abstinent in that program for over five years. She has given me some supportive insight, which has helped me to define my own abstinence (in the absence of a systematic support system to do it for me):

• Unlimited raw fruits and vegetables, eating no more than 4 times per day.
• A daily caloric intake of at least 1800 calories (may go down if I get smaller). I have a problem of not eating enough when I'm eating 811.
• Limited fats (1 handful of nuts, 1 tbsp oil, or 1/2 an avocado).
• Black tea and coffee are ok for now (my biggest problem is with food right now, and I need to get past that first).

Per the above structure, I have been abstinent for 2.5 hours, but, hey, that's something! My red bananas are nicely ripe, and I'm moving forward. Yeah!

P.S. That cheese I was eating a few days ago was gross!

Rethinking the day

My fantastic friend Ela just left today, and I've been pondering where to go from here with this diet. It's apparent to me after the last few days that I can't eat crap forever! It makes me feel yuck, and a different, more useless kind of yuck than what I was feeling on 80/10/10. My skin is worse, and I feel a bit crazy. I suppose I may just have to accept on some level though that "yuck" is going to describe me for awhile, even on the 80/10/10 path.

My husband commented something about that with Ela here it was a perfect opportunity for me to eat raw food, and why did I falter? But thinking about it -- and this is something I've noticed with myself before, like at potlucks and whatnot -- that being around other raw food people can actually trigger me to eat cooked food, probably because I get freaked out by the "severity" of the diet. It scares me for some reason. I think I'm only just beginning to understand this. And that feeling at the same time that I was dealing with a thyroid flare-up I think set me off kilter.

So tomorrow I'm back on the "80/10/10 (almost)" bandwagon. I think I'm going to add a bit more fat starting out and see if that makes a difference with the cravings, as an interim gesture. I've also decided I'm not going to post my food, but may mention it. It's too much effort to track it and I don't have the time, and I also worry a bit about the psychological aspects that can accompany such obsessive tracking: It could drive a wooden woman crazy! (That was one of my Texan grandmother's old sayings.) I also NEED to try to eat more calories. I think that was messing me up too.

Mmmm! Cooked food tastes SOOOO GOOOD! :-)

Ok, so here's the deal ... I'm thinking of renaming this blog to "Blue Skies Within: The definitive guide to the 80/10/10 high fat raw vegan omnivore diet"! Tee hee hee! Well, that's been my wacky life in the last couple days anyway, and I need to find humor in the experience somewhere.

I think intellectually where I'm having a great deal of difficulty is that it seems to me that if this was going to help with my cravings that they should get less over time, not keep getting worse. It was not comfortable the first 3 or so days, but manageable; then my cravings subsided a bit; then, right around the time that my thyroid started getting worse, my cravings got worse. I think I was craving fat the most. Couldn't stomach the thought of fruit. It just wasn't satisfying me AT ALL. I've been eating loads of fatty things over the last few days and feeling really imbalanced, although I've been not quite as fried feeling since yesterday. Yet it seems to me a bit of a "which came first" scenario, where I can't tell how things are related to each other, if at all. Am I feeling imbalanced just because the thyroid is on its usual down-slope (unrelated at present to the diet), or is something with the diet making me feel more imbalanced because it's stimulating an already-over-stimulated immune system? Doug Graham says your system will never turn on itself like that if you're doing everything right, but I'm not so sure.

It could be that my thyroid is going to keep declining no matter what I do. I don't want to be pessimistic, and haven't necessarily accepted this as definite truth, but I think I have accepted it as possibility. I could live with that -- taking medicine every day -- if I could just ever feel normal again. Unfortunately, I question whether it's ever possible to feel normal if you have to rely on a once-or-more-a-day pill to do something your body should do intuitively.

One of my biggest inspirations on this path is Richard Blackman. I really want to get in great shape like he is. In fact, I got out my Practical Approach to Strength Training book (by Matt Brzycki) last weekend. It's an excellent excellent book that turned me on to strength training some years back (pre-raw) and enabled me to train my upper body for the first time in my life. Since having kids and having issues around pelvic instability (resulting in my knee injuries) I have not been strength training. But this weekend I reviewed that book and got a list of exercises I can do with my free weights and weight bench (stashed out-of-sight-out-of-mind in the attic for the last 4 years), and I'm anxious to get started.

Despite the dietary and health setback, I still managed to take up running this weekend. I've never been much of an endurance runner due to collapsed arches in my feet which take the spring out of my step, but I can manage shorter distances. Yesterday I put on my running shoes and ran about a mile, slow - ly, and it felt good. I think it may have helped somewhat with my energy, maybe because it stimulates the adrenals. I went again today, baby in stroller, and he giggled all the way.

I bought some raw cheese today. While I don't necessarily see that as an ideal food by any means, I'm wondering if I need to ease into this more. I really want to succeed at this long-term, but maybe I just can't handle doing things too rapidly. If I ate some cheese or some other kind of fat for the first few weeks or a month, maybe it wouldn't seem so drastic, and it wouldn't be the end of the world either. Pondering that ...

Day 12, sort of ...

I am very very down today because it is apparent to me that my thyroid is crashing again. I have felt that horrible hypothyroid fried feeling for the last 3-4 days, and today I have just been crying on and off from the frustration of it. Plus, now the depression is setting in (another symptom of hypothyroid) as well as irritability and edginess. It's difficult when it doesn't seem to matter what I do, how well I try to take care of myself. I just get worse, no matter what. I had a blood draw yesterday and feel sure that I need an increase in dosage on my thyroid meds.

So today I could no longer, under the circumstances, face eating a mountain of fruit over the course of 45 minutes. I opted for a peanut butter sandwich, which took about 5. I'll be feeling like garbage here for the next few days (the medication, even once I get it, takes at least a week to even notice it), and when I don't have energy to function, I'm not sure I'll have energy for the 80/10/10 path for the next few days.

For those of you who know nothing of hypothyroid, I can tell you with certainty that what I'm dealing with now is not detox. It's a systemic imbalance, and a feeling I know only too well.

I haven't totally given up on this, and intend to continue this blog, but with my thyroid hormone levels plummeting and my body screaming for fat intake as my feet and hands get colder and colder, something has got to give. I suppose I didn't really think this would be a smooth ride, but I didn't expect to continue to worsen.

I will probably post again sometime next week. Wish me luck in stabilizing.

Day 11: Ouch, this hurts!

I don't have time right now for a long post, but wanted to take a couple minutes to give an update. I'm still on track but am not liking this one iota I tell you! My good friend Ela is visiting for a few days, staying at my house.She has been raw for 5 or more years, with a great deal of time doing the 80/10/10 version, so she's also helping to keep me accountable.

One thing that I do want to clarify for the wider audience is that, while I am definitely attempting to do the 80/10/10 diet, meaning 80% carbs, 10% fat, and 10% protein, I am not claiming to do it "perfectly" or to do it to the letter of anyone else's recommendations (i.e. Dr. Graham's or anyone else's), although I do view respectfully some of these more experienced viewpoints. I see this as a process of seeing what works for me. It may be that some things, such as juicing or balsamic vinegar, are not the most healthy things (I'll blog more about juicing at some point), but I may choose to partake in such activities at times if it keeps me from going down to the curry house or the taqueria, for example. In other words, while I do appreciate respectful insight, I am doing this for myself, ultimately. I am also hoping that I can be a guinea pig, so to speak, for others who are trying to heal autoimmune hypothyroid in particular. So, just to preempt some comments I feel might be coming, I'm fully aware that:

• Honey is not considered vegan by many folks, since it is essentially bee slavery.
  
• Honey is a concentrated sweetener.
• Dr. Graham doesn't recommend juicing.
• Sweet fruit and nuts can prove to be a bad combination.
• Some people eschew eating more than two (or three, or four, whatever -- depends who you talk to) times per day.
• Tea is a cooked, processed food.
• Balsamic vinegar and olive oil are devil's spawn.
• High fat raw will probably kill me. :-) (Can't say I'll never have it again, and, indeed it may be imminent.)
  

There, I said it, and I hope you can all still find some love for me!

Today's Stats:

• Food:
• Spearmint tea with honey
• 3 bananas
• 3 peaches, 2 plums
• (More to come ...)